Launch the Bitch

The following converstaion just occurred in between Zel and I. (I'm in my sewing room, Zel's in the living room, watching television.)

Amelia: "What are you watching, babe?"

Zel: "Launch the Bitch." (which translates to couples figureskating)

Amelia: "Oh. Anything good?"

Zel: "No, I'm still waiting for him to launch the bitch. I think this might be ice dancing because nobody's launching anyone across the ice. This is stupid."

Amelia: "I guess I don't need to come out and watch then?"

Zel: "Not unless you want to completely waste you're time. I'm pissed. This shit sucks."

Amelia: "Then change the channel."

Zel: "No. I'm pissed. But, she's kind of hot."

Amelia: "Nobody's making you watch."

Zel: "This gives figure skating a bad fucking name. Because people are completely bored when they watch this. And who the fuck wears that dress? If that guys gets his skate stuck in that they're fucked. It's like a wedding train. Is this a sport? This is a fucking sport?! What fucking channel is this on? ESPN? It's gotta be on ESPN2. FUCK! It's on ESPN1. Who in the hell decided to put this bullshit on ESPN1?"

Amelia: "Someone who knows everyone is either watching NFL, at the movies, or napping."

Zel: "What the fuck do the judges look for? Does the couple have to touch all the fucking time? That couple didn't touch. Do they get docked point? I don't understand this sport. In Launch the Bitch, there's actually competition. This ice dancing is a bunch of bullshit. In ice skating, there's a challenge besides just getting out there on the ice and dancing the tango. In ice skating, you're gonna have to launch the bitch to earn some points."

For a while, he switched back to the Packers, Bears game.

Back to ESPN1. There's a new couple on televeision.

Zel: "This could be the real thing. Their outfits lead me to believe there going to be launching the bitch."

Silence. We watch them do a death drop, where she leans back and they each hold one hand and she's laying out flat and if he drops her, she'll probably die.

Zel: "Oh. Here we go. Yeah this is it. She is fucking hot. I bet you could bounce a quarter off her ass. I should become an ice skater. They get to put their hands all over the hot bitches."

Amelia: "Yeah, cause you don't have a hot bitch of your own."

Zel: "Yeah. I mean, you're hot, but she's a bit hotter just because she's a professional ice skater.

Amelia: "No she's not. Besides, she probably has chronic diarrhea."

Zel: "Yeah! LAUNCH THE BITCH!!!!!!"

He throws her. She spins in the air 12 million times. She lands on a fucking razor blade. On ice. Launch the Bitch is pretty cool.

House down the road

There's this house about a mile down the road from us. Every year, the day after Thanksgiving, the owners decorate it for Chirstmas.


Every year, the owners seem to add something, usually a big blow up character, to the ensamble of characters. This year, they added one of those really big snow globes (on the left).

When I'm on my way home, I can see this house from over a mile away. I'm not kidding.

I'm glad he does this, and it's kind of cool. But when I think about the amount of money he's spent on decorations, not to mention the electric bill.... That's a lot of money. Money that can go into other things like hleping homeless people in our community or providing food for animals at the humane society. But whatever.

We shouldn't judge other people's money. We should be thankful that for a bit longer in our country, we have the autonomy to spend our money as we see fit.

Most Eligible Bachelor in the County

Today, I had the privilege to spend a little over an hour with the Most Eligible Bachelor in the County.

It was actually one hour and seventeen minutes.

He's an attorney.

He's very attractive.

He's an in-shape, 5'8", early thirty-something.

Dark hair and eyes.

Wears glasses.

Drives a truck.

He has a personality.

And he's fucking smart.

All of the women I work with think he's attractive. Including the lesbian.

One of the women I work with, she works with him pretty closely because she's the Contract Queen for my department. He's the attorney for the Entity we work for that reviews all the contracts.

The Contract Queen is smitten with the Most Eligible Bachelor in the County. He pops in to see her to talk about the contract of the moment.

The other day, she emailed him and said something to the effect of "maybe we can chat outside the office someday, like when there aren't 15 people pulling you in 15 directions."

When she told me this, I said, "Dude, you asked him out."

She said, "No, I didn't. I let him know that if he wants to ask me out, I'm available."

The Contract Queen is pretty smart. Much smarter than she gives her self credit for.

The Most Eligible Bachelor in the County has not yet emailed her back. He's very by the book. He has to be. His career and the Entity depend on it.

Before I met with the Most Eligible Bachelor in the County, I told the Contract Queen that I was going to say things to him like, "So, did you get the Contract Queen's email? Are you going to ask her out? Cause she really wants to blow you."

When I returned to our office after meeting with him, I told her I did it. She didn't believe me.

In actuality, when I was sitting in his office with the door closed, I wanted a disco ball to drop from the ceiling and do a pole dance on his desk.

But I didn't. I like my job. It keeps a roof over my head.

I'll come home and take my sexual frustrations out on Zel. He's aware that I'm attracted to the Most Eligible Bachelor in the County. He doesn't mind getting blown. And I earn some Wife Points.

I'll let the Contract Queen keep pursuing the Most Eligible Bachelor in the County. They're good for each other.

Geisha Camp

I read that Ziyi Zhang, who plays Sayuri in "Memoirs of a Geisha" had intensive training on how to effectively play a geisha. She said that before shooting the film, she spent six weeks on how to walk, bow, pour tea, perfect subtle gestures, and how to dance in 12 inch platform shoes.

Although she could've taken her 12-inch-platform-shoe-dance-lessons from Gene Simmons, Ziyi Zhang actually took lessons in a different manner.

I mentioned to Zel that in order to prepare for her roll, this beautiful actress spent time at Geisha Camp.

Zel said, "I wonder if they're taking applications. Do you think they'd take you?"

"Perhaps", I said. "But I'm concerned about my age."

After all, the Jedi Masters felt Luke and Anakin were too old to start training.

Zel said, "I have many reservations about your age! However, regarding Geisha Camp, it's never too late to learn."

I agree. About learning new things. Not about my age.

And, the longer the stress at work goes on, the more seriously I consider applying to Geisha Camp.

Stress at work

Work has been a bit stressful for me lately.

As a result, I had this show up on my chin.

Name, please

I just finished this quilt for our bed. It measures about 95" wide by 105" long. It's the biggest thing I've done to date. I started working on this in July, 2005, and just finished it last night. Yes, it took a while, but it's a fun hobby for me.


In quilting, it is custom to name the quilt. For example, this one is called, "To Zel's Health" (45" x 45"). It was my first quilt, and when I started to learn how to make quilts (took a class at our local community college), Zel was really sick. In the hospital for 17 days with a staph infection in his heart. Because this is my first quilt, and we were going through a rather tumultuous time, and when I started Zel was still in the hospital, and when I finshed four months later, he was feeling significantly better, that's how that quilt got its name.


In my second quilting class, I made this one, which is called "Letting Go" because we were given the tasks involved in the quilt one step at a time. So, week one, we were told to cut so many right angle triangles that were a certain size and so many that were this other size. Week two, we were told to sew these triangles to these other triangles, and so on. And, we basically had no idea what the quilt was going to look like, so I had to let go of that control. My type A personality struggled with this, but it all came out in the end.

So, I'm asking you, my 3 dedicated readers, to vote for what the quilt for our bed should be called.

A) Kaos (as in Amelia Kaos, Superhero/Porn-Star)
B) 3176 (because there are 3,176 triangles in that quilt. I'm not just kidding here.)
C) __________________ (write in your own suggestion; don't be shy!).

And, there's Evie's quilt, which I called "Red Hott", because she is! (Please note the red hot chili peppers on the back).


And My Little Brother's quilt, which is flannel, and I called "Autumn in the Pacific Northwest", because I wanted him to see the same colors I do. I gave this to him for his 20th birthday/Christmas last year.


Thank you all for your time and consideration of my request. I really appreciate your input!

Heard around

Last night, Zel and I were shopping at the Evil Empire (cause we live in a small town, and we don't have a Target) and I'm in the cosmetics section, and from the next aisle over I hear the following conversation:

Female 1: "No, don't get that one, because now they make ones that are hands free."

Female 2: "Really? Hands free vibrators? How does that work?"

Female 1: "Well, you wear it like a pair of underpants, but not quite, and it's pretty cool."

Female 2: "Really?! You've tried it?! How'd you like it?"

Female 1: "Well, that's what I hear anyway."

I go around the corner to see if these chicks are hot. Nope.

The girls were about 19, there was also a dude and a baby. I'm not sure who was with whom, but I can assure you that the baby had the most teeth.

Nine Kisses

Gotta love the folks at Hershey's. They say a serving size is nine kisses. That's right. Nine.

That means that the two you have after dinner are 2/9 of a serving. Instead of the 230 calories you get from nine, you get about 51 calories from two. And you don't have to go into a diabetic coma from the massive dose of sugar that nine could potentially give you.

God bless the folks at Hershey's. They've got a good thing in those kisses, yo.

I decided...

...that if I were to have my own perfume named after me, I'd call it Hott Puse', with an accent over the e.

A Wedding in July

I don't remember if we received formal invitations to the wedding, or if the bride just casually asked us.

Regardless, we were very dedicated friends, still in college, and decided to go.

So Evie Kelley, Ms. Lois Lane, (who were each working on their degree in Journalism, as was the bride) and I (except me, I'm a Health Education girl) all hopped into Evie's car, I think the car's name was Frances, and headed south to the wedding.

Yuma, Arizona.

July.

July Fourth weekend, to be exact.

Yes we asked ourselves, "Who the fuck decides to get married July Fourth weekend in Yuma?" but, we figured we're hott (so hott we need a second t), we're young, and maybe they'll be some hott dudes for Evie and Ms. Lane (I had a boyfriend, and we later got married in the desert, too, but not in Yuma and not in July).

After all, there's an Army base in Yuma. That should increase the girls' chances exponentially.

On the way down, I dared Evie to flash a trucker her boobs. She didn't. She said she's not that skilled to flash and drive at the same time. I offered to hold the wheel. She declined.

"GODDAMN!!! If it doesn't smell like some shit in this town!!!!!!!!!" I said as we pulled in. Unbeknownst to us, there's also a large agricultural community in Yuma.

I remember that night, the Fourth of July, Evie, Lois, and I drove around, most likely looking for booze and men. I remember seeing fireworks through Frances' front windshield. I don't remember finding men for Evie and Lois. I do remember consuming large quantities of margaritas at the bride's apartment the night before the wedding.

I also remember the bride having to take prescription painkillers the night before her wedding and puking all night. The directions on the bottle of medication said to take with food. To me, that means a meal. To the bride, that meant a tortilla.

I remember the bride having a walk-in closet big enough to make a triangle in. I also remember Evie, Lois, and I getting so blasted at the wedding that we could have formed a triangle in the closet, but we didn't.

Then Evie, Lois, and I headed back up to the northern end of Arizona, where it was about a million degrees cooler.

Not sure what happened to the bride. I remember receiving a thank you note. Then Evie and I chatted on the phone, and I don't remember exactly who said what, but the conversation went something like this:

"Did you get the thank you?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Yeah. So, did you get an original, or a photo copy?"

"Copy."

"Hmmph."

"What the fuck?"

"Goddamn, if it doesn't smell like some shit in this town."

I remember seeing her at Evie's college graduation ceremony. It was a little awkward, kind of like bumping into an old friend who you used to be close with and one of you got into a relationship and the person you were with completely dominated your life and if you were caught talking to your old friend, your significant other was going to come unglued.

We haven't heard from her since.

Every once in a great while, when Evie and I and I are together, we'll will look her up on the Web, with no luck. Probably best to let sleeping dogs lie on that one.

Not sure whatever happened to Lois Lane, either. I wonder if she found her Superman.

Disney Princesses

My good friend, Evie Kelley is now writing prime time for the Washington City Paper. In a recent post, Evie talked about the complications of dating when you're a thirty-something.

I replied to her post, Complications. After I posted, I started thinking more about my post, and I didn't want to steal her thunder, so I'm expanding that post here.

For us 30-somehtings, we also had the old school Disney Princesses to show us how important it is to wait for Mr. Right. Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty all convinced us that some strong, handsome, dashing young man was going to save us from the evil of the moment, and carry us off to a magical kingdom far away, and we'd live happily ever after.

The reality is:

• Snow wasn't quite so White 'cause she was banging the 7 Dwarfs, usually simultaneously. She even had her own private gynecologist to treat whatever STD she contracted.
  
• Cinderella secretly dug the abuse by her stepmother and stepsisters, dabbled in BDSM and eventually became a Dominatrix. She currently owns her own sex club, and caters to D.C.'s elite.
  
• Sleeping Beauty's image could’ve been used by the rape prevention education folks and the National Institute on Drug Abuse because, let's face it, that bitch was out and anything could've been done to her. I wonder if someone slipped her some rohypnol?
• Ariel was so in love she not only gave up her identity, she gave up her species, yo. Talk about low self-esteem and desperation.
  

The newer generation of Disney Princesses seem to be faring a bit better:

• Belle seems to be doing a little better than the other princesses in that she was able to be ok with The Beast. Unless, of course, you go down the bestiality road, which I’m just not gonna do. Belle was also a reader, which is a powerful things for the young impressionables to see.
• Jasmine was pretty independent and wasn’t going to settle for an arranged marriage, so she snuck out of the palace and catted around. Good for her!

I didn't see Pocahontas or Mulan, so I don’t really feel educated enough about these princesses to comment. But, according to their bios, Pocahontas is “strong-willed”, but her name means “little mischief”, and Mulan “is as lovely as a blossom, but can’t seem to behave like the gentle daughter she’s supposed to be.” Hmmm...they both sound like trouble to me.

Regardless, the Disney Princesses show us girls that, in order to get a man, we need to be beautiful, passive, and in desperate need of help.

Thank the Goddess for Evie's postings, cause she's telling us women to have some ovaries, be assertive, and not be afraid to demand what we want from men.

I wonder of Disney and the Grimm Brothers are rolling over in their graves.

Snow

It started snowing on Thursday afternoon. We get this really wet, heavy snow in the Pacific Northwest. I'm used to Southwestern snow, which is dry and light.

Since Friday morning, Flof has been wanting to go romp in the stuff like every hour. So, I get my jeans on, lace up my Doc's, put on my winter coat, scarf, and gloves, and we head out.

We have a fabulous time romping in the snow. It's like we're both 5 and the first time we've ever seen the stuff.

We're usually out for about 20 - 30 minutes, and seriously, we go out like every hour. He'll say to me, "M'awwwmmm, it's time to go out and romp in the snow right now," and we'll go.

Sometimes, though, I'll let him stay on the deck, but then he gets pissed off because he's not out romping. He's a little spoiled, and ends up talking me into taking him romping.

One time, when we lived in the Southwest, we were running in knee-deep snow, down a hill, and we were both much younger and faster then. So, we're running, and I hear Zel yell, "Don't let go of that dog!" Flof was picking up speed, and I couldn't keep up, and he pulled me down, face first, into the snow. I had snow between my glasses and my face. It was quite funny. But, I didn't let go of that dog. I held on.

News Alert!

Shania Twain has joined the ranks of super-stars that have decided to name a perfume after themselves.

I just wanted everyone to sleep better tonight.

I didn't actually hear anything about this. I only saw Shania on some talk show.

I was at the gym, getting my ass kicked on the eliptical trainer. The televisions were on, but the sound was down. Apparently, the members working out today decided to follow the directions that the volume is not to be turned up.

I think Shania was talking to Sally Jessy, but I'm not really sure because the last time I saw Sally Jessy, she had on these obnoxiously large red glasses and short red hair. The lady Shania was talking with had on significantly smaller glasses and longer, not so red hair. And in front of Shania and Sally, there were these pink boxes on the table, and they said Shania in some fancy-pants font. And, of course, the bottles of perfume.

On the other television, Oprah was talking about something equally and also incredibly important: My teen daughter is a lesbian.

How did we all survive before people like J. Ho, Britney, Paris, Squeek the Dolphin (a.k.a. Celine Dion) and others had their own perfumes?

World AIDS Day

Yesterday was World AIDS Day.




This is the Obelisk in Buenos Aires. The people of Argentina are f-ing brilliant. I'd love to see this done to the Washington Monument.

Evie Goes Primetime

My good friend Evie Kelley has gone primetime with her column and is writing for the Washington City Paper. Please check her out and comment about how brilliant she is!

http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/aboutlastnight/