Not sure how she's gonna take this one

Well, my friend, Lee, who is a techie girl and loves all things Apple, I hate to break this to you. But the Empire is selling the iPhone.

But, bigger picture, why do my last two posts link to the Empire?

Wanda and the lettuce spinner

Today, Toddler Kaos wanted to play with the lettuce spinner. Fine. He's sick. I'm the mom who believes that when the child is sick, pretty much all rules (except hitting, kicking and moving the dining room furniture) are thrown out the window.

Besides, the lettuce spinner has been around for nearly 10 years. Time to get a new one is coming. Sooner if the spinner conveniently breaks under the watch of Toddler Kaos.

So, we put all sorts of things in the spinner, including his new Spud Buds (no, I didn't pay that much for it. I patronize the Empire.) We also put in the new flashlight that he received for Christmas and then spun the spinner--it was like having a disco in the living room. For a two-year-old. We also put Wanda the Witch in there. Don't worry, she's stuffed.

Toddler Kaos had enough of the salad spinner about 5 hours after we took it out. Daddy put it in the sink, because it was the best hiding place at the time. That was about 12 noon.

I just found Wanda in the spinner...after nearly 10 hours. Sorry Wanda.

DUH!

For years, I've been saying Celine can't sing. I'm glad someone finally agrees with me. And, don't forget to add Mariah Carey to the list. She and Celine are the only ones who understand each other because they talk dolphin-speak.

It's kinda like Bob Dylan, Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen. They are the only three dudes on the planet that can understand what the other one is saying.

No really, stop fucking

I've never seen an episode. I originally learned about the reality show "17 Kids and Counting" from my favorite show, "The Soup" on E!

Mind you, we don't watch a lot of television and are baffled by our friends who have 2-year-olds that can sit through an entire 90 minute movie; but I digress...that's a post for another time.

Anyway, on the one hand, congratulations to the family for

1. giving birth to a healthy baby
2. having a healthy mom
   
3. picking out name #18 that starts with the letter J. And, no, they didn't repeat any names.

On the other hand, no really, stop fucking. Please. Or, get fixed. Please.

And, the dad's name is Jim Bob, so do I even need to say anything else?

Christmas Letters

Tis the season! We just received our first Christmas Letter from a friend of ours. It was a 2-page, size 2 font. Not kidding. We needed a magnifying lens just to read it.

There are three people in her family. Two pages. Two point font. Sweet Jesus. And, keep in mind, my friend is a hippie and wants to reduce the carbon footprint. Never mind that she probably used a half a ream of paper to mail her letter, photo booklet (I'm not kidding) and envelopes.

My son isn't much of a napper, so a lot of things have been cut out of life:

Quilting: which I still manage to find time to do. But only in like 5 minute spurts.
Cleaning: I vacuum when I get around to it. Zel empties the dishwasher, I load it. I wipe down the bathrooms with Clorox wipes when I can. I love those Clorox wipes!
Blogging: C'mon! My last entry was nearly 6 months ago. Honestly. I don't get to pee too much during the day, let alone blog!

I thought about doing a Christmas Letter. But it would be a Holiday Letter, so that way I'd be covering both the Jews and the Christian denominations in our families and our Atheist friends.

But, I don't have time for that shit. And, let's face it, letters aren't personal. I'd much rather take a few minutes to hand write out a card to our friends and family and then I can personalize, to a certain extent, each card. Not that I have much time for that either.

Anyway, just my 2 cents on Christmas Letters.

And, just to save everyone some time: Happy Effing Holidays!!

How to find me

Someone just found me by googling "nursing bra fuck".

Serious. You guys.

From Germany.

Remember that post? If you don't, or even if you do, check it out.

Love it!!!

Seems a little wrong

Seems a little wrong

We recently purchased new cell phones. We now have the capability to text message. Yes, my last cell phone was produced in the last millennium.

Anyway, with our new cell phones, we received two $50 rebates, and we were quite excited to be getting $100 in the mail. We had big plans to put it in the bank because we don't like to hemorrhage money.

The rebates arrived last week in the form of a credit card.

You heard me.

A credit card.

Not a debit card.

Not a check.

A credit card.

In fact, it was two credit cards. Purchase two phones, get two rebates, in the form of CREDIT CARDS.

The credit card expires in September 2008. So, while I have my $100, my cell phone company is controlling the purse strings. In other words, the cell phone company is saying, “Here's you're money, but we're not giving you the ability to totally control your money because you're totally irresponsible. And, if you go over the $50 per card limit, we'll add that balance on to your next phone bill.”

What a bunch of bitches.

We considered purchasing a new wagon for Toddler Kaos. But we're not going to be able to split the cost between the two credit cards.

We're going to spend it on gas for our vehicles.

mmm...no

I just received this magazine offer in the mail for a magazine called Cookie. Their tag line is "The new magazine for the woman within the mother." Honestly. Who in the goddamn comes up with that shit?

Movie Review--How She Move

I'm not seeing this movie, but I'm reviewing it.

How She Move WARNING: Longest trailer E-V-E-R!!!

I no see this. They no speak English good.

Movie Review

I'm not seeing this movie, but I'm reviewing it.

Love in the Time of Cholera

Cholera is a bacterial disease that causes diarrhea. Massive diarrhea. And vomiting. And leg cramps.

If I'm feeling that way, I'm not up to loving you or anyone.

In 100 years, is Hollywood going to make “Love in the Time of HIV”? I'm just saying.

Brilliant, Bitches

Go ahead. Call me “Brilliant”, Bitches.

I just used LYSOL wipes to mop my floor. I took four wipes, two under each foot, and slid around my entryway, kitchen, and dining room floors.

I wore my really old Birks, the ones Toddler Kaos puked on a couple of weeks ago, so getting some LYSOL on them wasn't a biggie. In fact, it probably helped to clean my shoes, you guys.

I changed the LYSOL wipes every so often, like when they got dirty. And my floor was pretty goddamned dirty, because I'm not a mopper.

It's not that I don't own a mop. I do. But I smurfing hate to mop. I'd rather walk through a parking garage in Las Vegas in August wearing pantyhose.

I also got a decent work-out when I skated on the LYSOL wipes. I remembered to engage my abs, so that I wouldn't strain my back. And, I raised my pulse a bit. I'm not sure if that says I was working too hard or that I'm really out of shape.

But, regardless, I now have a clean floor.

Go ahead. Call me “Brilliant”, Bitches.

Comment of the Day, January 9, 2008

So, we're at the doctor's office yesterday. In the waiting room. (I'll spare you the details of why we were there.)

And Toddler Kaos walks over to this lady and starts making eyes at her.

She starts talking to him. And he doesn't reply.

She was a smoker. He's a smart kid and not only does he not talk to strangers, he doesn't talk to women who look 80 but are actually only 50 because they smoke.

And then she said, "Are you a mama's boy?"

And he looked over at us like, "WTF?"

What I think she really meant by her question was, "Are you a pussy?"

Because really, all 16 month old boys are mama's boys. Honestly.