Pet Name

Sometimes my Pet Name is "Spider Monkey Toes."

Only Zel is permitted to address me in such a manner.

I have the ability to pick things up with my toes.

Zel doesn't find this impressive.

I also shave my feet, so I don't look like Frodo. (Not quite, but you get the point.)

Zel doesn't find hairy feet attractive.

So, when I haven't shaved my feet in a while, and I pick things up with my toes, Zel calls me Spider Monkey Toes.

Why?

Why is there going to be a reunion between Amy Fisher, Joey Buttafuco and his former wife Mary Jo?

That's right.

You probably remember them. Over a decade ago, then 16-year-old Amy had a sexual affair with much-older-and-married Joey. Amy shot Mary Jo in the face (someone was watching out for that woman, that's all I can say about that) and Amy spent some time in the pen.

They're hoping to televise their additional 30 seconds of fame.

They're past their 15 minutes. They're time is up.

Why do we care about this? Does anyone really give a shit?

Is it only in America that things like this happen?

You never hear about shit like this coming out of New Zealand.

Maybe Zel and I should emigrate.

Memoirs

In case you've been living in a cave, memoirs are the hottest thing going.

They're more popular than pancakes.

I recently read Running with Scissors: A Memoir by Augusten Burroughs. I am currently reading Dry: A Memoir by the same author.

My Little Brother (MLB) sent us Dry and The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America for Christmas. He may have sent us that one because it takes place in Chicago, and I was just there in May. And I love the Chicago Bears; I've been a fan for 20 years, when they won the Big Game in the 1985 season.

In the package, MLB included a note that said: "I didn't read these. I judged the books by the cover." He's quite witty, that kid.

I'm probably going to read Memoirs of a Geisha: A Novel next. I know it's a novel, but the memoir trend needs to continue. Besides, I'm still considering Geisha Camp.

Then there's A Million Little Pieces. Apparently the author decided to come clean and let us all know he embellished his work. I'm sure it's a gripping story all the same.

I'm taking all of these memoirs with a grain of salt anyway. You never know what's true nowadays.

Zel's pissed off that a person can have like 12 memoirs to their name. He's convinced that nobody's life is that goddamned interesting.

I suggested that he write his own memoir. After all, he's had an interesting life.

We'll see what happens. Maybe someday we'll send you all an autographed copy.

D.C. Bound

In less than 26 days, I'll be in D.C.

I'm going for a conference.

But really, it's to visit my good friend Melanie.

I promised Zel that if Mel and I dance on any tables, it'll be in a smoke-free bar.

Crossword Puzzle

Each night, I work on the crossword puzzle in the paper.

Zel does the Sudoku. He usually completes these within about 3:14. He says my feeble mind can't handle the power of Sudoku.

Please. I don't have to stand there trying to figure out which is the better deal for panties: 2 for $10 or 3 for $15. I know the hottest deal is down at Victoria's Secret: 1 for $15. But, that's for women who are trying to impress someone and in that situation, you aren't frugal, yo. When you're not so old and married, you do the 2 for $10 deal.

So, I do the crossword. I do the best I can do.

I don't make a habit of jumping on the web to look up definitions of words I don't know in order to help me complete the crossword. That's cheating.

Then, when I've completed what I can, Zel takes a crack at it. Says he needs to check my work. To fix whatever's wrong.

Please. I'm a smart cookie.

I know a four letter word for Flight School Final is "solo".

I know that a seven letter word for Shirt Parts is "sleeves".

I know a five letter word for Lubricated is "lubed".

I know that a five letter word for Protein Acid is "semen".

Duh. Everyone knows that!

Paranoia

Does Utah Jazz owner Larry Miller suffer from paranoia? He recently cancelled "Brokeback Mountain" at his movie theater.

Perhaps he thinks that if a movie about gay cowboys is shown, the young boys and all the cowboys in Utah will "turn gay".

Fucking paranoid.

Happy Birthday

“Happy Birthday to you.

Happy Birthday to you.

Happy Birthday, Dear Jesus.

Happy Birthday to you.”

Yes, Zel and I have sung Happy Birthday to Jesus. Funny, really, considering I'm a Jew; a member of The Tribe.

We were visiting family in Oklahoma. The Heartland. The Bible Belt.

Not my family. We Jews don't have great numbers of The Tribe living in the Bible Belt.

We were living in Sin City at the time. Zel, Flof, and I made a holiday road trip: Zel's family in Oklahoma for Christmas; my family in Arizona for New Year's.

On our way, we saw this:
It was in Texas. On I-40.
Note: please notice semi in image just below the cross.

"Christ on a Cross", was what I said. Really, that was all I could say. And I mean no disrespect. After all, Jesus was a Jew. Don't want to dis a fellow Tribesman, yo.

Then we got closer.
Its nineteen stories tall. We didn't stop. I read about the height later. Or, maybe someone mentioned it at dinner. Things got a bit Twilight-Zonish for a while.

We got to Zel's parents on Christmas Eve eve. On Christmas Eve, we went to the Super Evil Empire, (SEE) and got to experience the corporate takeover of America in the Heartland.

Zel's Mom and Dad own their own business. They make pretty cool, very custom stuff for people and corporations. Mom and Dad were busy making gifts that people pay top dollar for, right up until they closed their doors at 5:00 pm on Christmas Eve. So, they hadn't shopped for each other or for anyone else. So, we headed to the SEE. Mom bought Dad a pair of flannel sleep pants and some underwear; Dad bought Mom a lightweight vacuum cleaner. They bought these together; same ticket. Took them home and Mom wrapped up both gifts. They each opened them on Christmas Day at Zel's Aunt and Uncle's house and acted completely surprised at the gifts they had received from each other. I can't make this shit up. Zel's Mom and Dad are absolutely fabulous!

While we were in the toy section of the SEE, because Mom and Dad were also shopping for Zel's young cousins, Zel turned to me and said, "I bet you $100 I'm the most highly educated person in this store."

I didn't take the bet. You don't wager odds with the Math Teacher. He's taught probability for shit's sake.

But, as you, the dedicated reader, are accustomed too...I digress. Back to the story.

On Christmas Day, we went over to Zel's Aunt and Uncle's. Before we ate, we stood in a circle around the food, hands joined, and sang "Happy Birthday to Jesus." It was one of those, "When in Rome" situations. I mouthed it. I couldn't bring myself to sing. Sorry, Jesus.

While we were singing, Zel's Mom and I made eye contact. She knew this wasn't too Kosher with me. But, it wasn't really Kosher with her and Dad, either. And, it sure as shit wasn't Kosher with Zel. He's agnostic.

For food, Mom had ordered a brisket. Funny, because a brisket is a Jewish cut of meat, according to My Mother, Queen of the Jews (for the fans of South Park, Kyle's Mom is not an exaggeration!). Also funny because Zel and I didn't (and still don't) eat red meat. Fortunately, Zel's Mom also ordered a roasted chicken. So, we were ok.

Then we went to Arizona, and had grilled salmon for New Year's Eve dinner. Funny, to have fish in the desert.

At least we didn't have to sing "Happy Birthday to Jesus".

The Schedule

Flof has a regular schedule.

His primary job is to provide us company and protection. But, he really sleeps a lot. He tells me he works 24/7, even when he's napping.

He's a 12-year-old dog, which really means he's like 84 (Mel, I did the math for you; you're welcome). So, really, it's ok that he sleeps about 20 hours/day. No matter how you cut it, he's a senior citizen.

The Schedule usually goes like this:

6:30 am--get up (Human Seniors usually get up early, too) go outside to potty.
Note: even though he's 12, he's still not mature enough to go out and do his business without being supervised and on a leash. We live on 5 acres and we don't have a fenced in yard. So, Zel gets up, gets dressed, including winter coat and hat (even in August, cause that's how it is up here), leashes Flof up and takes him out to potty.

7:00 am--eat breakfast.

7:30-9:00 am--Flof is usually awake, because we're getting ready for work.

9:00 am-4:30 pm--all day nap. Napping usually occurs on his couch. Yes, he has his own furniture. Sometimes, he even falls asleep reading the paper.
We take him out as soon as we get home.
Note: sometimes, one of us gets done with work early and comes home at like 2:00 or 3:00, and we are careful to not disturb the Master Napper. I mean, you come home and disturb a nap, you get in trouble, which includes a snotty attitude and grunting from Flof. Sometimes, he's really out, and gets pissed off if you wake him up. I mean, sometimes, when he's out, it's like he wouldn't hear the UPS truck if it pulled up.

Since we've been on vacation for the last week and a half, we've encouraged Flof to take a post-breakfast, pre-lunch, mid-morning nap. He is usually down with this. We've also encouraged him to take a post-lunch, mid-afternoon, pre-dinner nap. He's usually down with this, too.

5:00 pm--eat dinner (he let's us know when it's 5:00).

5:15 pm--post dinner potty.

5:30 pm--post-dinner half-nap. This is only a half-nap because Flof only half sleeps. I'm usually making dinner and when someone is in the kitchen, that means food, and sometimes that means cheese or bacon or a bite of chicken for The Boy, which means no sleep post-dinner.

6:30-8:00 pm--post dinner/pre half-way to bedtime potty trip nap.

8:00 pm--half-way to bedtime potty trip.
Note: at 8:00, on the dot, Flof will whine at us letting us know he needs to go. If we're watching a movie, we do our best to start it so that it doesn't interfere with the half-way to bedtime potty trip. We've told our vet that Flof can tell time, but she thinks we're crazy.)

10:00--bedtime potty trip.
Note: again, whines at 10:00 to let us know its bedtime. We've mentioned this to the vet, she thinks we smoke crack, which we don't [just for the record, in case I'm one of the tapees, you're wasting your time and I've never smoked crack.].

Flof generally sleeps from 10:00 pm - 6:30 am. And The Schedule starts all over again.

Congratulations, everyone!

To those of you who have recently made it through the 2-month Holiday Season, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

This is very exciting, because you probably had to endure such questions as:

"Are you ready for Halloween?"
"How was your Halloween?"

"Are you ready for Thanksgiving?"
"How was your Thanksgiving?"

"Are you ready for Christmas?"
"How was your Christmas?"

"What are you doing for New Year's Eve?"
"How was your New Year's Eve?"

Zel and I didn't get too many Halloween questions, since we don't have children.

Thanksgiving was nice and quiet. The Girls came over and we ate and watched "Grease" since they love Stockard Channing.

Christmas day, we didn't exchange gifts. We sat around and watched football (simply because it was Sunday. If Christmas was on any other day, we would've watched movies all day.) Our relationship has evolved to this. It takes a lot of stress off of both of us. We both had last week off and traveled just over an hour to the closest shopping mecca. We bought an iPod, so I didn't have to listen to the "How was your _________?" questions at the gym.

New Year's Eve, we watched and listened as our next-door neighbors try to burn down the forest with the hundreds of dollars worth of fireworks. These explosions lit up our entire living room and surrounding forrest while we were watching "May". These explosions also shook the walls and windows of our home. Lovely. They're selling their house, but their asking for people's souls too, so it may be a while before the house sells.

At any rate, congratulations to everyone for making it through the questions of the holidays!

This year at work, just to be different, I wished people a Happy Solstice and passed out chocolate chip cookies on 12/21, the first day of Winter. The Solstices are kind of a big thing in the Pacific Northwest, especially the Winter one because the very next day, the sun rises earlier and sets later and it means we don't have to get up in the dark and go to work in the dark forever, even though it feels like it.

I wish everyone a wonderful New Year, and hope you thoroughly enjoyed whatever other holidays you celebrate, if you celebrate any at all.