Happy Birthday

“Happy Birthday to you.

Happy Birthday to you.

Happy Birthday, Dear Jesus.

Happy Birthday to you.”

Yes, Zel and I have sung Happy Birthday to Jesus. Funny, really, considering I'm a Jew; a member of The Tribe.

We were visiting family in Oklahoma. The Heartland. The Bible Belt.

Not my family. We Jews don't have great numbers of The Tribe living in the Bible Belt.

We were living in Sin City at the time. Zel, Flof, and I made a holiday road trip: Zel's family in Oklahoma for Christmas; my family in Arizona for New Year's.

On our way, we saw this:
It was in Texas. On I-40.
Note: please notice semi in image just below the cross.

"Christ on a Cross", was what I said. Really, that was all I could say. And I mean no disrespect. After all, Jesus was a Jew. Don't want to dis a fellow Tribesman, yo.

Then we got closer.
Its nineteen stories tall. We didn't stop. I read about the height later. Or, maybe someone mentioned it at dinner. Things got a bit Twilight-Zonish for a while.

We got to Zel's parents on Christmas Eve eve. On Christmas Eve, we went to the Super Evil Empire, (SEE) and got to experience the corporate takeover of America in the Heartland.

Zel's Mom and Dad own their own business. They make pretty cool, very custom stuff for people and corporations. Mom and Dad were busy making gifts that people pay top dollar for, right up until they closed their doors at 5:00 pm on Christmas Eve. So, they hadn't shopped for each other or for anyone else. So, we headed to the SEE. Mom bought Dad a pair of flannel sleep pants and some underwear; Dad bought Mom a lightweight vacuum cleaner. They bought these together; same ticket. Took them home and Mom wrapped up both gifts. They each opened them on Christmas Day at Zel's Aunt and Uncle's house and acted completely surprised at the gifts they had received from each other. I can't make this shit up. Zel's Mom and Dad are absolutely fabulous!

While we were in the toy section of the SEE, because Mom and Dad were also shopping for Zel's young cousins, Zel turned to me and said, "I bet you $100 I'm the most highly educated person in this store."

I didn't take the bet. You don't wager odds with the Math Teacher. He's taught probability for shit's sake.

But, as you, the dedicated reader, are accustomed too...I digress. Back to the story.

On Christmas Day, we went over to Zel's Aunt and Uncle's. Before we ate, we stood in a circle around the food, hands joined, and sang "Happy Birthday to Jesus." It was one of those, "When in Rome" situations. I mouthed it. I couldn't bring myself to sing. Sorry, Jesus.

While we were singing, Zel's Mom and I made eye contact. She knew this wasn't too Kosher with me. But, it wasn't really Kosher with her and Dad, either. And, it sure as shit wasn't Kosher with Zel. He's agnostic.

For food, Mom had ordered a brisket. Funny, because a brisket is a Jewish cut of meat, according to My Mother, Queen of the Jews (for the fans of South Park, Kyle's Mom is not an exaggeration!). Also funny because Zel and I didn't (and still don't) eat red meat. Fortunately, Zel's Mom also ordered a roasted chicken. So, we were ok.

Then we went to Arizona, and had grilled salmon for New Year's Eve dinner. Funny, to have fish in the desert.

At least we didn't have to sing "Happy Birthday to Jesus".