It's Football Season

Well, it's football season.

I know because phrases like, "Break his fucking leg!" and "Trip, motherfucker!" come out of Zel. He yells like he's at the game and the team can hear him. He does not use his inside voice.

He mostly says this when the Dallas Cowboys are playing...mostly.

He sometimes says these things when he is rooting for a particular player on his fantasy football team, the Alien Anal Probes.

Of course, there are also great phrases when Dallas has the ball, including, "Run, bitch, run!" and "Catch that ball, motherfucker!" and "Wooohoo! Woohoohoohoo!!!!!" and "Show those Redskins who's boss!!!"

There is also an occasional bark....like a dog. Flof doesn't respond to this because he is smart enough to know the difference between a human bark and another animal's bark. He's the smartest dog in the world. He could be a doggie brain surgeon.

Sometimes, Zel even jumps up and down on the floor. This concerns me not because I think he may hurt himself but because our home is on a perimeter foundation. This means that our home is supported by concrete only around the perimeter. Its not like it is in the southwest, where there is an entire slab of concrete under the house, and that concrete helps to keep the house cooler in the 1,000,000,000 degree heat. In the Pacific Northwest, they use perimeter foundations because of the relatively mild climate. And, basements are a popular thing in the Northwest, unlike the southwest, and this is another reason for perimeter foundations. We don't have a basement, and basically Zel is jumping on plywood. My concern is that he's going to go right through the floor one day. Granted, he's going to have to gain about 200 pounds, but I still have a little concern. Sometimes I get visions in my head of Zel going through the floor and hitting the ground, which is about 2.5 feet below the floor. He'd look like Tom Hanks in "The Money Pit".

Sometimes, he goes into convulsions if Dallas has either a great play or a horrendous play. Seriouslah. It's like a seizure.

When the official makes a call that Zel doesn't agree with, he says something like, "Oh, bullshit, you fuck!!!"

This really only happens when we get Dallas games on TV. We're so far north and west of Texas that we just don't get a lot of games. For this, I praise the Gemma.

Sometimes our good friend Special K calls. She lives in Dallas. She has even called from the game sometimes, which, of course, is an impossible conversation because of the crowd that is screaming on her end of the phone. The phone calls usually come because she's seen a great play, or a bullshit play, and wants to know if Zel saw it, too.

Picture this: the cell phone rings its special "Special K ring", which is the rodeo. I can't describe the song, but I'm sure you can hear some rodeo music in your head. Zel says, "Hello?"

In her Texas accent, Special K says, "DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!?!" so loudly that I can hear her, no matter where I am in the house.

Two possible answers from Zel: "No. We didn't get the game. But I've been following it on the web." or "Dude! Can you believe that!?!?"

Sometimes, they'll even say things like, "We look like shit!" or "We look great!" depending on what's going on. But, they're not on the team. We've had several conversations about this, but they think they're on the team, so I just let it go.

Zel has been a fan of the Dallas Cowboys since birth. He once told me he came out of his mom rootin'. He said he even had pompoms. He was born there; he lived there till he was about 14. He even moved back to Dallas to attend the U of Texas at Dallas.

The funny thing is he doesn't have a Texas accent.

The other funny thing is, I hate the Dallas Cowboys. I was raised to hate the Dallas Cowboys, mostly because my Democratic parents hated the fact that JFK was assassinated there and that the Cowboys aren't "America's Team" and that there is a certain arrogance about the team.

So, when Dallas is on, it's really hard for me. I want them to do well, because then Zel is happy. However, secretly, I really want them to choke on it, like a bunch of bitches. But, the Cowboys recently picked-up Drew Bledsoe as their quarterback, and I would fuck him. He's a mega-hottie-super-babe. (The image of Drew was taken before he was a Dallas Cowboy, he played for the Buffalo Bills, and he lost this game to the New England Patriots, who he played for before he played for the Bills. I made him feel much better after this loss. In fact, he forgot all about it!)

When Dallas lost to their arch nemesis, the Washington Redskins on Monday Night, I had to listen to things like, "Stupid fucking game!" and "Piece of shit!" and "I hope you guys get reamed [by the coach]!" and "I hope that [Coach Parcells] chews their asses off!!!"

I had to wash my ears out they burned so badly from such foul language. Really though, language only comes out between September and January.

That's how I know it's Football Season.