The Apple Stem

Last night at dinner time, I wasn't very hungry, so I decided I would eat an apple and some peanut butter. I washed the apple, and then I twisted the stem out. With each twist, I said the corresponding letter under my breath. Little girls learn to do this at a young age. In Little Girl Land, the letter at which the stem comes out is the first initial of the name of the man we're going to marry. My stem came out at F.

Zel was making himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and asked me what I was saying.

“F,” I said.

He gave me a quizzical look and said, “What?”

“F,” I said again. “The stem came out at F.”

“What the f does ‘F’ mean?!” said Zel.

“It means that I should've married a man whose name begins with F,” I said.

“YOU ARE NOT IN THE FOURTH GRADE!!!!” he yelled at me. He even stomped his foot.

“I’m sorry, who isn’t in the fourth grade?” I said. I mean, stomping your foot to get your point across is so fourth grade. He shook his head at me. There was probably an eye roll, but his back was too me as he returned to making his PB n’ J.

“So, according to this, I should’ve married someone whose name begins with F”, I continued. “You know, Fred, Frank.”

Zel shook his head at me again, “Jesus.”

“No, Jesus begins with a J.”

“Did you ever fuck someone whose name begins with F?”

“No. Not yet. Did you?”

“This isn’t about me,” he said.

We moved to the table to eat. “You didn’t have sex with your friend Fred from high school?”

“No,” I said. “I was afraid of black dick at that point in my life. Besides, I had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend, so it never happened.”

As Zel took a bit of his sandwich, I began to continue, “Ferdinand.”

“You fucked a Ferdinand?!”

“No,” I said. “I’m just saying I could’ve married a Ferdinand if one were to go by what the apple stem says.”

“What’s the farthest you ever made it on twisting the apple stem?” This is an unusual question. But, we’ve been married long enough that Zel knows that he needs to indulge me every once in a while.

I thought for a couple of seconds. “I’m not really sure, but I know I probably never made it much past R. Really, its amazing we ever went on a date, if you look at the what the apple stem says."