Comment of the Day, August 31, 2006

I just got off the phone with Zel’s Mom.

She wanted the latest report. She’s excited. She’s also worried, since Baby Kaos is late. Both Zel and his brother were early. I guess having a baby go past term is a new thing for her.

I told her there’s been no change; nothing to report. We’re selective with what we tell the parents because both sets go into panic mode at the slightest change in the weather.

She and Dad and Zel’s Grandmother are coming up on September 14th.

Mom said to me, “Does the doctor think the baby will be here by the 14th?”

I can’t make this shit up.

Mind you, that would be 2 and 1/2 weeks late. We’ve already discussed with the doc that if nothing is happening by the end of next week, he’s going to induce me, which is fine, just fine.

I said, “Oh yeah. The doctor isn’t going to let me go that long.”

Even though she can put it together about being induced, I stayed mute about it. I didn’t want to hear about how Zel’s brother was induced. “They had to bring him,” she’s told me. I don’t need to really hear about this for the 12th time, you know what I’m sayin’?

I didn’t get into the fact that if a baby is in the uterus too long that the amniotic fluid starts to decrease and that can be harmful to the baby.

I know she means well and is excited about the baby. I told her we’d call her when something happens.

She also said, "Do they know how big the baby is?"

Honestly. I can't make this shit up.

Comment of the Day, August 29, 2006

Baby Kaos was due on August 27. We’re down to the last couple of minutes. Or, it could be we’re down to the last week or so. Depends on when the Star of the Show decides to arrive.

My Bulging Baby Belly isn’t huge. But, in my opinion, I’m big enough. It’s not like Zel and I are huge people.

On three separate occasions within the past week, three different women asked me when I was due, and I politely told them.

Then, they each said, “You’re not very big for being due in less than a week/past due.”

I’m not sure if they meant it as a compliment, or as an insult.

I’ve gained about 25 pounds, which is within the norm. Throughout my pregnancy, I’ve walked and practiced yoga several times each week (that’s why I can still put on my socks and shave, thank you very much).

Research shows that if pregnant women exercise, labor and delivery will be easier. I’ve taken pretty good care of myself. I’ve eaten pretty well.

Except between weeks 7 and 17 when I was puking and eating whatever sounded good, including fruity chewy candy and fried zucchini (not at the same time).

So, I’m just not sure how to take what they said.

I think they each picked up on the fact that I was a bit baffled by their comment. So, they quickly said, “You look great!”

Sometimes, you have to punt.

Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!

Is this a shock to anyone?
Prosecutors Drop Case in Ramsey Slaying

Such a nice distraction from other events in the world.

Let’s Get the Show on the Road

Baby Kaos is late. He was due yesterday.

While I’ve not had the feeling that some of my girlfriends have had, where they felt like they were going to be pregnant forever, it is getting harder to be pregnant.

For example it is becoming a lot of work to drag my ass out of bed three or four times in the night to go pee. Lifting up the extra 25 pounds is hard work. And, if I wait too long in between pees, then it physically hurts to walk to the bathroom.

My friend the Epidemiologist is pregnant with twins. She’s convinced she’ll be on bed rest for the last trimester and she said that she’s going to have a scheduled c-section.

I’m not keen on having a c-section because that means they have to stick a needle in your spine to numb you from the chest down.

Melanie once told me, “Don’t ever let anyone stick anything in your fucking spine.” I’m planning on heeding that advice.

More than anything, I’d like Baby Kaos to get the show on the road because I’m tired of the raging hormones. Let me just say that crying at the drop of a hat sucks. I’m very fortunate that Zel is a very patient man.

Yes, I recognize that there's the possibility of post-partum depression. I've spoken with my doc about it and he said he'll keep an eye on me.

God Bless the Mothers

God Bless the Mothers, for they are about to drive us fucking crazy.

Ever since I’ve told my Mother about my pregnancy, which was back in January, we’ve spoken about once a week. Not a major thing, but she can’t be on the phone for less than thirty minutes. This is probably why she’ll never get on line…she likes to talk too much. She’s a hairdresser, so it’s part of her job to talk.

Because we speak once a week and we’re on the phone for 30 – 60 minutes at a time, she knows a lot about what’s happening with my pregnancy, Baby Kaos, our childbirth ed classes, and the fact that we’ve hired a doula.

The other day, my Mother told me that she was going to get her haircut before she and my Dad come up. But, she said that the baby talked to her and the baby said not to. Not sure what she’s smoking, so I let that one go. But, she’s not coming until the third week of September, so I bet she breaks down and gets a trim beforehand.

We were getting questions from both of our Mothers about what we’re naming the baby. We told them both early on that we would tell them the gender of the baby, but that we were not telling anyone the name of the baby.

We don’t want to hear about Uncle so-and-so who was a total a-hole alcoholic and that he’s better off dead. We don’t want to hear about ex-boyfriend what’s-his-name that left her best girlfriend in high school as soon as he went away to college. We wouldn’t get this from just family. Oh no, we’d get this shit from everyone.

Besides, what if he’s a she? We met a woman who was expecting a little boy, which was confirmed by two ultrasounds, and everything they had was blue. And when baby was born, the doctor announced that he was indeed a she.

I mentioned this to my Mother. She said, “Well, how can the test be wrong?”

Really. She said this. I can’t make this shit up.

Zel’s Mother calls about every other week. Except for the last month, she now calls weekly. Zel spoke with his Mom today. Today, her request was that the child be born before September 1. Because if he’s born after September 1, then he’ll miss the cut-off date for starting kindergarten and have to start a year later. I’m not exactly sure how she knows what the cut-off date is for the school district in Our Little Town, but nonetheless, this is her request.

Never mind the fact that we don’t know if we’re even going to put the kid in public school. Home schooling is an interesting option. Furthermore, since Baby Kaos is going to be so goddamned smart he’ll be doing calculus by the age of 5, he may be able to test out of kindergarten.

Zel told her we don’t want the baby born on Labor Day. We can hear the comments from lots of different people now: “Oh…you went into labor on Labor Day! That’s so funny!” or “You labored on Labor Day weekend! That’s so appropriate!”

We also would prefer Baby Kaos is not born on September 11, for obvious reasons. We did chat with our doc about this one. He said not to worry, because at that point, we’re looking at being 2 weeks over-due and he’ll induce labor by then.

We’re very selective with what we tell either set of parents. We don’t want to have a slew of questions.

Both sets of parents said they want to be called when we’re on the way to the hospital.

Like good children, we said we’d call.

But, because it takes 10 minutes to get to the hospital, we’re not going to call.

We don’t want to deal with questions such as:

“How long have you been in labor?”

“How far apart are the contractions?”

“Did your water break?”

“Why didn’t you call when you started labor/when your water broke?”

“Are you in pain?”

“How much further is it till you get to the hospital?”

“Who’s driving?”

Since neither Mother can be on the phone for less than five minutes, we’re making one phone call. That’ll be to some good friends, who will come over to take care of Flof.

Comment of the Day, August 22, 2006

Zel was on the phone with his Mom. Since we’ve told them we’re pregnant, we speak with his folks about every other week.

She asked, “Is everything still on schedule?”

God love her. We’re gonna deliver a baby, not a pizza.

Babies show up when they feel like it. If I call up and order a pizza, that thing better be here in 30 minutes or so.

Picture

We just picked up our pictures. Here's me in all my glory.

God Bless This Lube

Glad the Christians are playing with their toys. "It stands to reason that some Christians already know all about adult products while others secretly long to know more but don't know who to ask. Those are the customers that Book22 seeks to attract. Book22, named for the twenty-second book in the Bible, "Song of Solomon," is a new adult novelty store positioning itself as a Christian source of intimacy products for married couples."

I'm not gonna comment on the "married couples" thing. I'm just glad some of them are admitting that they like to fuck.

Maternity Photos

Zel and I just had our photos professionally taken. The last time we had our photos professionally taken was at our wedding, over seven years ago.

The photographer shot both of us, which took about an hour.

Then Zel left and she shot me for about 2 hours.

I was naked. Or, as the in-laws from the south say, nekked.

The photographer did strategically place some gauze across my breasts and my hairy pussy.

Baby Kaos is due in less than 30 days. So, I have quite the Bulging Baby Belly.

The photographer did tell us that when we’re in our 50’s, we would be really glad that we had these images taken.

Demi Moore had maternity photos taken in 1991. She was so unashamed of being pregnant she appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair.

Good for her. She was beautiful. She still is. I mean, she’s Demi Fucking Moore, yo.

I’m actually surprised that maternity photos didn’t take off 15 years ago, when Demi was nekked on VF.

Maybe it’s because having your pictures taken is a lot of work. I’m F-ing exhausted, you guys.

When I got home, I told Zel it is goddamned hard being Cindy Crawford for an afternoon. No wonder that woman demands millions of dollars to have her picture taken.

The Doulo

A doula is a trained woman who provides support to a woman in labor. She also supports and encourages her partner to support a woman in labor. She acts as an advocate for the laboring woman and her partner to the medical staff.

Doulas have been employed in different cultures for millennia, and they’re starting to be popular in the States.

Zel and I are interviewing a couple of doulas this week. My friend the epidemiologist, who just found out she’s pregnant with twins, said she doesn’t want a doula sitting around knitting during the birth of her babies. Funny how a highly educated woman doesn’t bother to educate herself on some issues. But, I digress.

In our childbirth education class, there’s a man there who is an EMT, and he’s acting as this one woman’s doula. Or doulo, if you will.(I didn’t do well in Spanish. I was one of those students who thought is was ok to just add an O. Sorry Luis!)

The doulo’s not gay; he just likes being around birth.

That’s cool.

He doesn’t charge. And that’s cool, too. Free is a very good price.

When he introduced himself, he said that the doulas don’t talk to him. As class progressed, we found out why.

He was goddamned annoying. And it wasn’t just me and my pregnant hormones. Zel thought the dude was goddamned annoying, too.

The childbirth educator would be teaching, and he would jump in and give his perception, experience, etc. Sometimes the teacher asked him for his experience, but mostly she didn’t…mostly.

He came off as an authority. I’m not saying he doesn’t have knowledge, but tone it down a notch, dude. Either that, or go learn to be a childbirth educator. This class isn’t about you. This class is about all the preggies who are about to squeeze a baby out of their pussy.

Comment of the Day, August 8, 2006

My assistant’s sister-in-law stopped by today.

My assistant is lovely.

Her sister-in-law, who I’d never met before, and I were chatting…she asked when the baby’s due, then she said that she really wants to have a baby…she has endometriosis…if she doesn’t have a baby by the end of the year the doctor wants to do a complete hysterectomy and she’s just about to turn 25.

I truly felt bad for her.

Then she said, “You know, when you sit down, you don’t look pregnant.”

Second Florida Woman Sues Bacardi Over Alleged 'Flaming Rum Shot' Injuries

“A bartender, who was not identified in either lawsuit, was pouring shots of Bacardi 151 when a customer lit a menu on fire and placed it in the stream of alcohol. The bottle that was being used to pour the shots turned into a flame thrower and sent flaming rum all over [the women], the lawsuit said.”

I’m sorry for the women, because the lawsuit states they suffered second and third degree burns. I’m empathetic, because I suffered a second degree burn, and I know what’s involved in treatment. It is horrific.

I’m also sorry because they feel it is better to sue Bacardi than the idiot who lit the menu on fire. Bacardi has deeper pockets than the idiot, so I suppose that’s the logic.

But, what I’m really sorry for is they are alleging “that Bacardi 151 proof rum ‘emits a high volume of combustible and explosive vapor’ which makes it ‘unreasonably dangerous’ and a ‘defective product.’”

Um…hello? Alcohol is flammable. It's been quite some years since I've had a drink, but don't people know to NOT LIGHT FLAMMABLE MATERIALS ON FIRE?!?! Maybe I'm naive.

Banning Cleavage

There's a school district in Texas (of course) that's banning cleavage.

“It's gotten bad enough that, unfortunately, our young males are looking at more than their English book, their speech book, their science book,” says school board president Sherri Wade. “And it's kind of nice to have something left to the imagination.”

I'm thinking it 's not to protect the young males, or even the young lesbians, from looking at cleavage, but to prevent the male teachers from having gigantic erections while they're teaching, which would lead to multi-million dollar lawsuits.

But, spin it that "we gotta protect the children" and you can do just about anything.

Hairy

I’m sick of shaving. It’s getting harder and harder for me to shave my legs and my pussy.

My Bulging Baby Belly is getting in the way.

I can’t reach my pussy to shave it. I’m not shaving my legs as much, either. I’ve reached the “I don’t give a crap how I look” stage of pregnancy that my girlfriends said would hit towards the end.

But, I still am a cute pregnant woman. I hear it from the people I work with. These comments are always welcome. Telling me your birth horror story isn’t welcome.

It’s become a challenge to put lotion on my legs.

But, I can still polish my toes. I don’t have to balance on one leg, while I’m wet, running a razor up my legs when I polish my toes.

It’s hard on me to have a hairy pussy. I feel like I’m living in the 70’s. I’m used to having my pussy look similar to the pussy of a 5-year-old—nekked pussy.

I used to do a moustache, but it became a little to Hitleresque, and as a Jew, I couldn’t promote that. So a few years ago, I shaved it all off.

Zel said that right now, my hair pussy looks like the Great Pit of Carkoon, where the Sarlacc lives. You know: that thing that Boba Fett fell into in Jedi and is spending a thousand years being digested in.

Nice.