Mascara

I hate it when I'm putting mascara on and I accidentally blink and then the mascara makes me look like a raccoon.

The Couch Incident

For Thanksgiving, we had company. Company in our house is a rare occurrence. Partly because we don't have much furniture, but mostly because we're somewhat anti-social.

The Girls came over, and, given that we don't have much furniture, they sat on Flof's couch. We put a sheet down to protect them from hair and other things on the couch. It's more of a loveseat, really, but regardless, Flof is the only dog I know of who has his own furniture.

After we ate, which was pretty early (I tried to get the bird on the table between games so that I could maximize my Wife Points, but it didn't happen because Evie called, which is another rare occurrence.) we all moved into the living room to watch the second game. And then, because we were all pretty fat and lazy, like most Americans on Thanksgiving (and most other days) we just stayed parked in our respective places untill about 10 pm.

Flof came in to the living room and tried to sit on his couch with The Girls, but they weren't moving (which is fine, after all, they're company!). They all three couldn't fit on the loveseat. I mean, the dog weights 100 pounds, so it's not like he's going to sit on the couch and go unnoticed.

Throughout the day and into the night, he'd give them dirty looks; lay down near his couch and grunt; sit in front of his table, glare at them and grunt some more.

Towards the end of the evening, when we were watching "Grease" and all checking out Stockard Channing and Olivia Newton-John, Flof was laying down in the living room, and shifting his weight. He does this sometimes when he's been holding his urine for a long time. Usually when he does this, I tell him he's a Zen Master.

However, this time he was passively-aggressively telling The Girls to get their asses up off of his couch because his 12-year-old dog hips were really hurting him.

When The Girls left, he parked his 100-pound-dog-ass on his couch and didn't move. Usually, when we go to bed, Flof goes back to the bedroom, too. Thursday night when we went to bed, he stayed on his couch.

Wife Points

Today I vacuumed the entire house and earned 40 Wife Points. I didn't move the furniture. I get an extra 15 points for that.

Yesterday I prepared Thanksgiving dinner, which most sane people know is a tremendous amount of work. I'm hoping for like 150 wife points, but I'll know for sure in a few hours, after Zel eats.

I also earned additional points last night for making fudge (points = TBD; depends on the quality of the fudge).

I also cleaned the bathrooms (30 points total) and dusted with Endust for electronics, which is 15 points (if I dust with just the Swiffer, it's only 5 Wife Points).

I'm saving up my Wife Points in my Wife Points Saving Account (WPSA). But, I'm hardly ever in the black.

I'm hoping to cash in my Wife Points sometime soon and get my pussy licked.

Seen Around

In My Little Town, my local paper has this itty-bitty section called "Seen Around". It's where people contact the local paper and let them know what they've seen in the community. Each day, there's usually one. Sometimes, there are two.

For example:

"Sign on dental office parking lot: 'Dentists Only. Others Will Be Extracted.'"

"Deer prancing and drivers stopping. Deer bounds into woods."

I'm not kidding. I can't make this up.

In honor of Seen Around in my local paper, I'm starting my own version. However, it isn't likely to get into the local paper's Seen Around, since I may throw in my own commentaries on occasion.

So here we go:

Seen Around
Personalized state issued lisense plate: "LVDBYGD".

Good for them.

Do they know they're loved by God because W. told them?

Or maybe it was Pat Robertson?

They're the only two people I know of that are allowed to talk to God.

Do you think that if I were to go to the state and try to get a license plate that says: "LVDBYSATN" that I'd be able to put it on my car?

Probably not. Too many letters.

Maybe I could shorten it to "LVSATN".

Not that I do. I'm just sayin'.

Maybe I could get "WANNA69", 'cause I do. You know what I'm sayin'?

Friday night at the bookstore

Every Friday night, Zel and I go out to dinner, and then we go to the bookstore. We've done this religiously for nearly 10 years now.

The local Bookstore Lady, who we've become friendly with and who is simply lovely, said that she recently purchased the new Cyndi Lauper CD, "The Body Acoustic" and that she really has been enjoying it.

Then we started talking about music from the 80's.

Naturally, I brought up INXS, and how totally hott Michael Hutchence was (so hott, he gets a second t).

And, out of the blue, in a very matter-of-fact tone of voice, the Bookstore Lady said, "I heard he didn't shower."

It was one of those really rare moments where I was stunned. Had absolutely nothing to say.

Zel was thrilled.

Oral sex linked to mouth cancer: Swedish study

The Swedes recently published a study that states if a person has the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) and another person performs oral sex on them, then the blower, if you will, is more likely to develop mouth cancer.

Makes sense. We know that HPV causes cervical cancer.

My favorite line from this article is the following:

"'You should avoid having oral sex,' dentist and researcher Kerstin Rosenquist, who headed the study."

I wonder if he's (or she, can't really tell by the name, bless it's heart!) in cahoots with the Christian Right.

Excuse me? Avoid oral sex? Why don't you just tell me to avoid breathing?

The Following Conversation Just Occurred

Zel said, "Were you hot last night?"

I said, "I didn't sleep last night."

He said, "I didn't ask you how you slept last night. I asked you if you were hot last night."

I said, "No I wasn't hot last night. I'm hott all the time!"

He secretly loves it when I don't answer his questions, he just won't admit it.

Do You Speak French?

Zel and I went to Chinese food last night with some good friends.

One of them had on a new blue fleece pullover. It brought out her eyes.

"I like your fleece," I said.

"Thanks," she said. She looked at me a bit longer than usual. She's a lesbian, but I don't think she was trying to get me to hit on her.

But I did anyway.

"It brings out your eyes," I said.

"Thanks," she said again, and continued looking at me.

Clearly, she wanted me to say, "Where'd you get it?" So I played along.

"Do you speak French," she said.

I wasn't expecting that for an answer. "What the hell does that have to do with the price of tea in China?" I didn't say this because we were sipping our hot tea at the Chinese restaurant. I really wanted to know where she was going with this one.

“Well…I’m trying to figure out a great way to translate the store into French, but it hasn’t been easy.”

I looked at her, and the expression on my face must’ve said something like, “What the goddamn are you talking about?”

She continued: “Saying ‘Goodwill’ in French just doesn’t flow.”

Top Cats

Good for the Carolina Cheerleaders!

Making out in a bathroom stall is totally hott! So hott it gets a second t!

They're capturing their youth and being young and reckless. When else are we given the opportunity to go this? That's right. Only when we're young.

Then they get in a fight with some other chick. Who, let's face it, was probably pissed off that she wasn't in the bathroom stall making out. I'm thinking three-some.

And honestly, when we're in the middle of a sexual act and we're interrupted, we're pissed off! Do you blame them?

Then they get released from the Top Cats. They dissed the squad. They dissed the Carolina Panthers.

Funny, really, considering the on-going escapades of many NFL players:

Ray Lewis, Baltimore Ravens. Set up a plea bargain for obstructing justice in a murder case. Nice. I bet his parents are proud of him for that one.

Jamal Lewis, Baltimore Ravens, distribution of cocaine.

The Minnesota Vikings players and the Sex Boat Cruise. I'm ok with the idea of having sex on a boat. I just don't agree with how the players went about it.

Mike Tice, coach of the above mentioned Vikings. Scalping tickets for this past Super Bowl. Come on, Tice, don't you make enough money in one year to feed and clothe the residents of Somalia for 10 years?

Terrell Owens...hasn't done anything illegal that I know of. But I had to throw him in the mix simply because I think he's making a complete ass of himself. His apology to the Eagles was a joke.

Ricky Williams, Miami Dolphins. Look, get rid of your bong, flush the weed, and go see a drug and alcohol counselor. Either that, or don't be so goddamned dumb about it that you get caught!

And of course, O.J. Do I really need to go into this?

We live in a world of double standards. In my opinion, the Carolina Cheerleaders who were dismissed didn't do anything worse than the above mentioned men. And the men are still making millions. Except maybe O.J. Didn't he have to sell his Heisman Trophy?

So, why were the cheerleaders released? Because the Top Cats organization didn't want to send a message to the little girls who idolized them.

Please. The only people that pay attention to cheerleaders are grown men. And lesbians.

No mention of the issue on the Top Cats' web page. Typical American attitude: Don't talk about it. Bury your head in the sand. It never happened.

But, then the former Top Cats, the ones who made out in the bathroom, received an offer to pose in Penthouse.

Good for them!