Annual Stretch and Poke

I started off my Halloween morning with my Annual Stretch and Poke.

I needed something a little spooky.

The Annual Stretch and Poke is when we women go in, change into a gown, and are given an extra large piece of paper to cover our lower orifices. Today the paper was a nice mauve color. I found my self wishing I'd brought my colored markers.

Today, though, the entire office was in disarray. The computers were down. They didn't know why I was there. They asked me, which was good. I'd hate for them to give the Annual Stretch and Poke to someone who wasn't expecting it. Especially a man.

To add to the confusion, some of the staff were dressed up. One of my favorite people was dressed up as a Starbuck's Latte. At the end of the day, she get's the best costume award (we don't get trick-or-treaters at our house, cause we live in the sticks!). Except for the part where she was promoting Starbuck's. But, she was making a statement that she doesn't mess around with her coffee.

My nurse practitioner, who is really quite lovely, was a bit distressed. She couldn't give me the results of my annual blood work. She said she'd send me a note with the results, and that if it was really serious, she'd have the Latte give me a ring so we can get me back in. She said not to worry, though, she was reviewing blood work results on Friday to prepare for this week, and there wasn't anything that she could recall that stuck out. She didn't say how many blood work-ups she looked at. I didn't ask.

So, after the brief catch up since last year, she did the breast exam on me. Then she stretched and poked my vagina. The good news, and the reason my nurse practitioner is really quite lovely is that she runs the speculum under warm water. That way, and this part really is for the gentlemen out there, you don't have cold metal shoved into your vagina.

A warm speculum makes the Annual Stretch and Poke a little less spooky.

Daylight Saving Time

Daylight Saving Time is a bunch of bullshit.

Since leaving the Great State of Arizona in 1998, I've had to change my clock by an hour, twice annually.

My Grandma told me that when my Dad was a boy, the residents of the Great State of Arizona voted to decide whether they wanted to participate in these shenanigans. According to WebExhibits.org, "Daylight Saving Time is NOT observed in Hawaii, American Samoa, Guam, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, Arizona, and most of the Eastern Time Zone portion of Indiana."

The residents of these states and territories are brilliant. When we moved from Arizona, we lost our glow of brilliance. We are now merely intelligent.

Every time I change my clock, I feel like I have jet lag for a week. Of course, being super tired makes me a super crab. And, did I mention I get to do this twice a year? Yep...once every six months, I get to fuck up my sleep schedule.

Why? I have to give credit for this to Benjamin Franklin. Apparently he was the first person to conceive of the idea of Daylight Saving Time. Bastard.

In the spring, we "Spring Forward". And in the fall, we "Fall Back". Cute. I wish Daylight Saving Time would spring forward so far it removes itself off the face of the earth and never falls back.

Really, it's another way for the government to control the people. In order for them to make sure they have complete control over us, the first weekend in April and last weekend in October we gain and lose time. It's not quite as cool as Star Trek. If it was, I wouldn't be bitching about it.

However, He Who is Not So Bright, a.k.a. "W", recently made it law that, in the U.S. in 2007, we'll be "Springing Forward" the second week in March and "Falling Back" the first Sunday in November.

What? Excuse me? Who decided to write this law? Sweet Jesus. They really need to find better things to do with their time and my money in D.C.

Is it a coincidence that He Who is Not So Bright hasn't lived in one of the above mentioned states or territories? Perhaps.

Some people theorize that we have less accidents, thus we are safer, because there is more light. Well, lemme ask you, when it's December and January, and there are little kids out waiting for the school bus at 7:00 am and it's goddamn cold and goddamn dark, and the sun isn't coming up for another 90 minutes, how is that safer? Am I missing something?

And, twice a year, prior to changing our clocks, I get to have the following conversation with my office mates (there are three of us):

"Don't forget to change your clock this weekend."

"Are we gaining or loosing an hour this time?"

"I don't know. I hate this. In Arizona, we didn't have to do this. That state knows what's goin' on. Really, Daylight Saving Time is just a bunch of bullshit."

Usually, this gets an eye roll from both of them. But the one who lived in Arizona for a few years agrees with me.

The Monday after we change time, one of them inevitably comes in to the office and is in a major tizzy and says, "Ugh! I'm late because I forgot to change my clock!"

One of my office mates was born and raised in My Little Town. The other has lived all over the U.S. They've been doing this time warp shit a lot longer than I have, but it never fails: one of them forgets to change her clocks.

Maybe they fail to change their clocks intentionally because they secretly don't want to conform.

But really, it's really all just a bunch of bullshit.

Decided on a Birthday Gift

For My Little Brother, we decided to get him two books for his 21st birthday. We thought about the suggestion posted to the blog (thank you Evie! The rest of you suck for not providing suggestions!). However, shipping alcohol across state lines without a license is illegal.

The first book is Blindness, by Jose Saramago. Both Zel and I recently read this. We picked it up for My Little Brother's birthday to expose him to different styles of creative writing. After all, he'll have his BA in Creative Writing one day.

The second one is Fast Food Nation: The Dark Side of the All-American Meal, by Eric Schlosser. Again, something we've both recently read. We picked this one because My Little Brother is becoming socially conscious. For example, he recently watched The Corporation.

I'm not gonna lie, we haven't seen this yet. But, I can't express to you how exciting it is to watch this kid become aware of how evil corporations are...how they shove their propaganda down our throats...how many of us eat it up like popcorn that was popped with saffola oil on the stove, and sprinkled with sea salt.

I think the last book I gave My Little Brother was Good Night Moon when he was like two years old.

He said he was glad to receive Blindness and Fast Food Nation, and that he'll probably read them when he's on Winter Break. Right now he's reading for pain and not pleasure.

It appears giving him books is a hit. I think the next book we'll get for him is The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon (thanks to The Girls for recommending this one to us!).

Chaps

The Indianapolis Colts' Cheerleaders wear chaps (please refer to hott babe at right. So hott, she gets a second T.)

Zel noticed tonight during the game (or should I say "spanking"?).

Thinking I might get a little, I offered to buy some. When, according to the U.S. Census, you're "a thirty-something-who's-
been-married-for-a-long-time", you tend to do what you can to spice it up.

Zel said, "No. You don't have the legs for it. Some babes were blessed with long, slender legs. You were blessed with short, stubby legs. I don't think you need chaps."

I said, "What about chaps with super high heels?"

He said, "I said no."

My Intenet

My intent today was to go to the grocery store, go to the gym, and come home and clean the house.

I did the first two. Then I came home and took a 2 hour nap.

Zel said, "That's ok. But on Monday, don't work all goddamned day, and make sure you come home and do your slit work."

I'll be sure to hop on that.

Baking Soda

Baking Soda. Useful for everything from baking cookies to neutralizing odors to cleaning grout between tiles.

"I've brushed my teeth with that shit!" said Zel.

"Did you do that when you were a Boy Scout?" I said. "Because the Scouts are always prepared."

He said, "No. But I've brushed my teeth with baking soda. Have you?"

I said, "Nope. I was never a Scout. And, given that we've cleaned grout with that shit, I'm not sure I want to brush my teeth with it."

Zel said...

"...that shit better not break my speakers!" He's talking about the fact that Depeche Mode is now on the computer.

NEWS: Singer Boy George Arrested on Drug Charge

This is my first news post. I'm not sure how many of these I'll do. Don't worry, Evie, I'm not turning this into the Fall of Humanity.

Singer Boy George has been arrested in NYC on a drug charge.

Really, I just couldn't resist making a comment about this. I'm not concerned about his drug charge. I'm concerned about his appearance! Sweet Jesus!


I mean, WHO DOES THIS?!?!?!

WHO DRESSES LIKE THIS!?!?!

Who dresses like this, hits the streets of NYC and DOESN'T think he's going to get arrested for SOME goddamned thing?!!?

I wonder if his parents are proud of him?

Sweet Junior Diva.

Burning Money

I really enjoy having candles in our home. Especially during the fall and winter months; they add light and a sense of warmth...a little ambiance, perhaps.

We don't have a plethora of candles in our home. Just a few here and there.

We're not the type of couple who has to make love with lots of candles; or even one candle.

The reason is quite simple, really. Zel said, "Burning candles is just like burning money."

"New and Improved"

Why is it, that when we use a different lotion on our faces, or the brand of face cream decides to "new and improve" the lotion we've been dedicated to 10 years, our faces break out?

And who decided to "new and improve" the current lotion? The lotion I've been using works just fine, thank you. That's why I've beenusing it religiously.

The same thing happens with face wash. And make-up.

My mom said that the reason your face breaks out when you switch face lotion or face wash or make-up, whether by choice or by force, is because your face is going through a cleansing period. Your face needs to get used to the new product. She would know. She's a licensed cosmotologist.

SOLITICING ADVICE: What do you get for your brother who's about to turn 21?

My Little Brother is turning 21 in 2 weeks.

The question is: what do you get for a 21-year-old?

He's a junior at the University of Arizona, majoring in Creative Writing.

He's traveled all over the States; been to Mexico several times; Italy, Ireland, France, England, New Zealand, and Australia. I'm sure I'm missing a couple of countries.

The last time I saw him was for his high school graduation. (He's the kid on the left. The kid on the right is his good friend, who currently lives in Japan. My Little Brother hasn't been to Japan yet, but it's on his travel list.)

The last time I spoke with him was nearly 3 months ago. He was headed off on a trip to the South Pacific (Note: the image below was taken on the NZ/Aussie trip, not in the Pacific Northwest. He hasn't been up here yet, either, but we're moving up on his travel list. And, I have absolutely no idea what "All Blacks" is. We're 12 years apart. Am I that out of touch with the generation after mine?)

We talked about a conclusion he made: He'll graduate in two years with a BA in CW, but he'll most likely have to continue waiting tables because, afterall, what the hell do you do with a BA in CW?

He talked to Zel and I about graduate school and what we thought before he pitched the idea to The Parents. He figured we were the people to talk to about grad school because we both have our Master's. Mine is in Education with an emphasis in Health Promotion; Zel's is in Mathematics. (I frequently hear things, which can include, but are not limited to: "Education degrees are for pussies!" and "Call me Master, woman!" and "Science degrees, like one in Mathematics, isn't a touch-feely degree, like one in Education!", and "Well, I suppose you're alright, because your Bachelor's is one in Science!" Sweet Junior Diva, you know?)

But, in typical Amelia style, I digress.

So, My Little Brother is planning to apply to grad school. He's thinking he'd like to teach English and/or Creative Writing at a community college. And, since he'll have three months off during the summer, he'll be able to work on screenplays and other things creative writers work on.

We asked him why he wanted to get his Master's. He's intrigued by the autonomy, the ability to meet different people, to get paid to think. He said, "I'll be a considered a Master of my subject, you know what I'm sayin'?"

I know what he's sayin'.

So, I'm currently soliciting your advice!!

What do you get for your brother who's about to turn 21?

For the past several years, I've baked him chocolate chip cookies. For Christmas last year, I made him a quilt. It was supposed to be his birthday gift, but I was working on a couple of different quilts, and it turned into a Christmas gift instead.

Any and all ideas are welcome! (Except another quilt. I'm a bit strapped for time!)

Ideas need to actually be submitted no later than Friday, 10/7. This way, I'll have a few days to get the gift and ship it down to the desert!

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration of my request.

Love,
Amelia
xxoo