Amelia Kaos

is sad that we won't be seeing "Terminator: Salvation" in the theater. Today is a good day to see some shit blow up.

Zel said...

...I keep wondering when I'm gonna be that dude. The downside is they're all dressed.

Amelia Kaos

just took the biggest shit ever. My a-hole ripped open. Not cool. And, BabyK(2) was screaming, so I picked him up and nursed him while I was sitting on the toilet taking the biggest shit ever.

Facebook

I've not been posting because I've been Facebooking. It's addictive, but not like crack, yo.

So, in Facebook (FB) they have this question, "What's on your mind?" and a box for you to fill in whatever you want. The other day I talked about my brilliance (I've been craving chocolate chip cookies, so I made a batch, baked ~12 and individually froze the remaining batter. Then, when I want a cookie, I can bake it up fresh. Hence, I'm brilliant!) Yesterday I mentioned that I was tuckered out from watching Toddler Kaos play with two of his friends (yes, simply WATCHING two toddlers and a pre-schooler play is exhausting!).

I'm using my real name on FB, and yes, I know all of my friends. I only have 50. I know people have hundreds, and I call them FB sluts.

I'm starting a new segment here on (NS)O&M called "Not on Facebook" and I will post things such as the following:

Amelia Kaos has not had the opportunity to brush her teeth today and her mouth feels like a bag of assholes.

So, there you have it. The new "Not of Facebook" segment of (NS)O&M. Enjoy!

Another time suck

I started reading "Marley and Me." It's the story about a neurotic dog and his owner.

I read 100 pages.

All I could think was, "Dude, you're way too passive with this dog. Take his ass to boot camp."

I couldn't take it anymore. I had to walk away.

Major waste of time. Don't waste your money.

Sore throat cure

Hmm...I know she was picked for a reason. But close your eyes and just listen. I'm not kidding.

Major waste of time

I'm in a new book club. My old book club fizzled out because people didn't want to read anything heavier than “Mr. Snuffleupagus Goes to the Zoo”. I have no idea if this is a real book, but I think you see my point.

So, my new book club is reading “Under the Tuscan Sun: At Home in Italy” by Frances Maynes. This book is a major waste of time. Major.

This broad and her husband, who both happen to be faculty at two San Francisco area universities when the writing occurs (I later discover that she's at SFSU. Not sure where he teaches, because I don't give that much of a crap.). Anyway, they purchase this home in Tuscany, Italy and it hasn't been inhabited for 30 years, so it's a major fixer-upper. They need to get rid of scorpions and spiders that have invaded the house. Yeah.

This book pissed me off for several reasons:

1. Having so much money to burn that I purchase a second home, 7,000 miles away from my current home, where I can only spend a few months out of the year at.
2. Purchasing a home, regardless of location, that you have to sink a ton of money into in order to have basic things like heat, hot water and a functioning kitchen.
3. Two highly-educated people purchasing a home that requires above mentioned (and lots and lots of other) work and having the work done WHILE THEY ARE IN SAN FRANCISCO. And corresponding with the contractors by FAX. My parents and I never talked about building your own home or major construction projects, but common fucking sense tells me that I need to be present when that shit is going on.
   

At one point in the book, she mentions that she's the department chair—I later read on line that she was in charge of the Creative Writing department, so, really, the entire goddamn book could be a major embellishment, because let's face it, Creative Writers are people who creatively write and they are trained to MAKE SHIT UP. They go to school for years, spend thousands of dollars and they end up taking jobs where they MAKE SHIT UP.

The version I have of this book that I BORROWED (lemme tell you how glad I am that I didn't waste my hard earned money on this piece of shit book) is 310 pages long. I read the first 100 pages, skimmed the second hundred pages, and I'm not sure I'm going to waste my incredibly valuable time reading the last 100 pages. Zel suggested that I read the first and last paragraphs of each of the remaining chapters, and that I should still get the gist of what's going on. While that's a great idea, I'm not sure I want to waste anymore time on this huge piece of crap.

Oh, and Ms. Maynes, I mean no disrespect, but you're really not the brightest bulb. And, how in the fuck did you get a contract to develop your own line of furniture? Honestly.

And, no, I'm not gonna see the movie.

Big Day

I hope the Arizona Cardinals win.

Maybe they're like the Little Engine That Could and are currently chanting "I think I can! I think I can!"

*********************************************************

Update 2/8/09

As you all know, Arizona lost in the last couple of minutes of the game. They did a decent job. My hat is off to them for making it as far as they did and playing a tough team.

Really, Bruce?

OK--so, maybe he's getting old and his brain is a little...fuzzy. But, Bruce, really? I know it's only another greatest hits album. But didn't he just sign a deal with the Empire?

I mean, this is akin to Anakin hanging out with Chancellor Palpatine.

Twins?

I'm not looking at Obama and Bush.

I'm looking at Cheney.




Doesn't he look like the dude in “Raiders of the Lost Ark”? The dude who's face melted off?


Seriously.

The Arizona Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl

Wow.

They did it. The Arizona Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl.

Lemme say that again.

The Arizona Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl.

I've not posted till now because I've been flat on my back trying to absorb the fact that THE ARIZONA CARDINALS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!

It's not that they don't deserve it. (They do.) It's not that they didn't work hard. (They did.) It's not that they don't have my respect. (They do now.)

It's that in the 61 year history of the team, they've always sucked. When they moved to Arizona in 1988, they couldn't beat themselves off in the shower. I lived in Tucson when they moved from St. Louis; everyone was excited we were getting a professional football team. My Dad said, “We're on the map!” Because that large hole in the ground didn't put the State of Arizona on the map prior to the Cardinals' arrival.

They did nearly hand the game to the Eagles. I mean, how do you blow a a 24 – 6 lead? But, I'm not a professional analyst, so I'm not gonna go there.

The question now is, can they stop the Steelers? I hope they do. I'm pulling for them. It's not because they're the underdog. It's because I lived in Arizona 21 years, and I'd like to see the Cardinals win.

The World is Coming to an End

Not in 2012 the way the Mayans predicted.

I'm not kidding.

Did you see the score of the Cardinals/Panthers game?

I mean the CARDINALS are going to the NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.

If they beat either the Eagles or the Giants next week, let's all look for large comets, or pay closer attention to the earthquakes happening in Yellowstone.

Of course, Jesus could be coming, too. But I'll leave that one for The Big Clown to ponder.

*********************************************************
Update 1/11/09
Philly is going to the Desert--Go Cards!

No, I'm not pulling for the end of the world, I'm just pulling for a team who hasn't made it this far before. And, I grew up in Arizona.

And, be proud of me, I didn't say something stupid like, "It's gonna be a bird fight in the Desert!" I'll leave that shit to the professional talking heads!

Not thinking

I bought my 2-year-old a cherry Chapstick. And gave it to him.

I was clearly not thinking.

No, he didn't eat it. But, he does take the lid off with his mouth.

He no longer has a cherry Chapstick. He will not get another one soon.