I'm 14 weeks pregnant!
It's too soon to tell if we're having a boy or a girl. The ultrasound will be done sometime in April. I'll be sure to keep you all posted.
To those of you that are so dedicated to reading my blog: I'm sorry I haven't been posting that frequently lately. When one feels like shit, one tends to not want to sit in front of the computer. I appreciate your support and dedication! I hope that I start to feel better in the very near future.
Love and feathers,
Amelia K.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Monday, February 20, 2006
I can't tell you how good it feels...
...to sleep in my own bed.
...to take a shower in my own shower. I even shaved for the first time in over a week.
...to not have to decide which restaurant to eat at, which I had to do for over a week. Sometimes, I even had to coordinate this with other people. Not major, though, 'cause the company was good.
...to be in the correct time zone.
...to see Flof and Zel.
...to take a shower in my own shower. I even shaved for the first time in over a week.
...to not have to decide which restaurant to eat at, which I had to do for over a week. Sometimes, I even had to coordinate this with other people. Not major, though, 'cause the company was good.
...to be in the correct time zone.
...to see Flof and Zel.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Right Now
Right now, there's this Chinese couple doing Launch the Bitch. They're skating to "Kashmir" by Led Zeppelin.
Not the original, but the instrumental.
It's hot.
But, they're dressed like they're from KISS. It's not their fault they're dressed like they're from KISS. They probably had no say on what they're music or outfits look like. They're from Communist China, yo.
They did a fabulous job. They're in first place.
Everyone else just needs to sit down.
Not the original, but the instrumental.
It's hot.
But, they're dressed like they're from KISS. It's not their fault they're dressed like they're from KISS. They probably had no say on what they're music or outfits look like. They're from Communist China, yo.
They did a fabulous job. They're in first place.
Everyone else just needs to sit down.
So far in D.C.
So far in D.C., Melanie and I haven't danced on tables. Apparently there aren't too many smoke-free places in which to behave in such a manner.
We did order pizza. This is a bit of a novely for me, since in My Little Town, Zel and I live too far off the beaten path for Domino's to deliver without charging us $5. We typically get take and bake, but it's not quite the same as having the pizza dude deliver straigth to your door.
We're sitting in Mel's basement apartment listening to the snow fall. We're under a winter storm warning. They're telling us were supposed to get 4 - 10 inches of snow. I didn't pack my Doc's. I didn't have room in my suitcase. I think I need a bigger suitcase, yo. And it's not like you can wear 8-hole boots to the airport. If you haven't traveled since 9/11, they make you get naked and do 12 jumping jacks in order to get through security. When I travel, I wear shit that's easy on-easy off. We may go shopping tomorrow for new Doc's. I'd get a pair of black ones, 'cause I already have brown ones.
We also went to the National Museum of the American Indian. There is currently a display of Native American Tribes from Washington State, British Columbia, and Alaska. Two of the Tribes on display are from my 'hood, so I wanted to check ot the museum, and Mel's good enough to take me.
We also went to the Hope Diamond. I told Mel she need to wear it because it would bring out her eyes. Mel said that the Hope Diamond is just wasting away in that display because she's not wearing it. I think that it would look really hot on her if she had on that, and a pair of dark blue panties.
We did order pizza. This is a bit of a novely for me, since in My Little Town, Zel and I live too far off the beaten path for Domino's to deliver without charging us $5. We typically get take and bake, but it's not quite the same as having the pizza dude deliver straigth to your door.
We're sitting in Mel's basement apartment listening to the snow fall. We're under a winter storm warning. They're telling us were supposed to get 4 - 10 inches of snow. I didn't pack my Doc's. I didn't have room in my suitcase. I think I need a bigger suitcase, yo. And it's not like you can wear 8-hole boots to the airport. If you haven't traveled since 9/11, they make you get naked and do 12 jumping jacks in order to get through security. When I travel, I wear shit that's easy on-easy off. We may go shopping tomorrow for new Doc's. I'd get a pair of black ones, 'cause I already have brown ones.
We also went to the National Museum of the American Indian. There is currently a display of Native American Tribes from Washington State, British Columbia, and Alaska. Two of the Tribes on display are from my 'hood, so I wanted to check ot the museum, and Mel's good enough to take me.
We also went to the Hope Diamond. I told Mel she need to wear it because it would bring out her eyes. Mel said that the Hope Diamond is just wasting away in that display because she's not wearing it. I think that it would look really hot on her if she had on that, and a pair of dark blue panties.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Learn to do Your own Laundry
I learned today that he Most Eligible Bachelor in the County doesn’t do his own laundry.
I said, “You’re shirt looks a little stiff. Did you use a bit too much starch?”
“No”, he said. “I didn’t do it.”
I looked at him quizzically.
“The little man at the cleaner’s does it," he said.
I gave him another look. “The ‘little man’?”
“Yeah. He comes to my office and picks up my laundry and does it and then drops it off in my office again when he’s done,” he said.
“Sweet Jesus! Don’t you know how to do your own laundry? Didn’t everyone learn to do that when they were like 10?” I said.
“I’ve gotta go,” and he starts to walk away. He was embarrassed
I follow.
“I’ve got this friend who knows how to do laundry. She’s hot,” I said.
He stopped walking and perked up. “Really?”
“Yeah. And she’s single and very intelligent,” I said.
“Where does she live?”
“D.C.”
“My brother lives in D.C.,” he said.
I perked up for Melanie’s sake. “Oh?”
“He’s married with kid number two on the way.”
I was disappointed. “Oh.”
I changed my tune quickly, though. “I’m going to visit her soon. I’ll be sure to mention I know a professional in his early thirties who needs some laundry tips. She’s pretty good at laundry. She used to wash her clothes in a bucket when she lived in
He was interested, at least in the fact that my good friend was in
“She was in the Peace Corps for 2 years and taught English.”
“Wow.” He seemed impressed.
“Well, I can either mention the laundry thing to her or you can learn to do your own laundry.”
“Whatever you want to do,” he said. “But I like to help the little man and the local economy.”
“Super,” I said. "See you later!" And I walked away.
Monday, February 06, 2006
I Must Remember
Before I leave on Thursday for D.C., and spend a week with Melanie, I must remember to do the following three tasks:
In college, Melanie became the Eyebrow Queen. I’d hate to show up with what the Eyebrow Queen may deem bushy eyebrows and she sends me packing for the nearest hotel.
2. Polish my toenails
In college, I was a licensed Nail Technician. (In the 70’s and 80’s term was “manicurist”. I was in college in the 90’s, when we were “Nail Technicians”.) I’d hate to show up to Melanie’s and not have some type of polish on my toes. Even though it’s winter, I can suck it up for a couple of hours to let the polish dry. The sacrifices one must make in the name of beauty.
I sleep naked. Melanie knows I sleep naked. I’ve known her for nearly 10 years. We’ve seen each other naked lots of times (did I mention we met in college?). I’d hate for my leg to brush up against her leg in the night and wake her up. But, given that Melanie can sleep through a hurricane, I shouldn’t be too concerned. However, I’d hate for her to deem my pussy as bushy and send me packing for the nearest hotel.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Pet Name
Sometimes my Pet Name is "Spider Monkey Toes."
Only Zel is permitted to address me in such a manner.
I have the ability to pick things up with my toes.
Zel doesn't find this impressive.
I also shave my feet, so I don't look like Frodo. (Not quite, but you get the point.)
Zel doesn't find hairy feet attractive.
So, when I haven't shaved my feet in a while, and I pick things up with my toes, Zel calls me Spider Monkey Toes.
Only Zel is permitted to address me in such a manner.
I have the ability to pick things up with my toes.
Zel doesn't find this impressive.
I also shave my feet, so I don't look like Frodo. (Not quite, but you get the point.)
Zel doesn't find hairy feet attractive.
So, when I haven't shaved my feet in a while, and I pick things up with my toes, Zel calls me Spider Monkey Toes.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Why?
Why is there going to be a reunion between Amy Fisher, Joey Buttafuco and his former wife Mary Jo?
That's right.
You probably remember them. Over a decade ago, then 16-year-old Amy had a sexual affair with much-older-and-married Joey. Amy shot Mary Jo in the face (someone was watching out for that woman, that's all I can say about that) and Amy spent some time in the pen.
They're hoping to televise their additional 30 seconds of fame.
They're past their 15 minutes. They're time is up.
Why do we care about this? Does anyone really give a shit?
Is it only in America that things like this happen?
You never hear about shit like this coming out of New Zealand.
Maybe Zel and I should emigrate.
That's right.
You probably remember them. Over a decade ago, then 16-year-old Amy had a sexual affair with much-older-and-married Joey. Amy shot Mary Jo in the face (someone was watching out for that woman, that's all I can say about that) and Amy spent some time in the pen.
They're hoping to televise their additional 30 seconds of fame.
They're past their 15 minutes. They're time is up.
Why do we care about this? Does anyone really give a shit?
Is it only in America that things like this happen?
You never hear about shit like this coming out of New Zealand.
Maybe Zel and I should emigrate.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Memoirs
In case you've been living in a cave, memoirs are the hottest thing going.
They're more popular than pancakes.
I recently read Running with Scissors: A Memoir by Augusten Burroughs. I am currently reading Dry: A Memoir by the same author.
My Little Brother (MLB) sent us Dry and The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America for Christmas. He may have sent us that one because it takes place in Chicago, and I was just there in May. And I love the Chicago Bears; I've been a fan for 20 years, when they won the Big Game in the 1985 season.
In the package, MLB included a note that said: "I didn't read these. I judged the books by the cover." He's quite witty, that kid.
I'm probably going to read Memoirs of a Geisha: A Novel next. I know it's a novel, but the memoir trend needs to continue. Besides, I'm still considering Geisha Camp.
Then there's A Million Little Pieces. Apparently the author decided to come clean and let us all know he embellished his work. I'm sure it's a gripping story all the same.
I'm taking all of these memoirs with a grain of salt anyway. You never know what's true nowadays.
Zel's pissed off that a person can have like 12 memoirs to their name. He's convinced that nobody's life is that goddamned interesting.
I suggested that he write his own memoir. After all, he's had an interesting life.
We'll see what happens. Maybe someday we'll send you all an autographed copy.
They're more popular than pancakes.
I recently read Running with Scissors: A Memoir by Augusten Burroughs. I am currently reading Dry: A Memoir by the same author.
My Little Brother (MLB) sent us Dry and The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America for Christmas. He may have sent us that one because it takes place in Chicago, and I was just there in May. And I love the Chicago Bears; I've been a fan for 20 years, when they won the Big Game in the 1985 season.
In the package, MLB included a note that said: "I didn't read these. I judged the books by the cover." He's quite witty, that kid.
I'm probably going to read Memoirs of a Geisha: A Novel next. I know it's a novel, but the memoir trend needs to continue. Besides, I'm still considering Geisha Camp.
Then there's A Million Little Pieces. Apparently the author decided to come clean and let us all know he embellished his work. I'm sure it's a gripping story all the same.
I'm taking all of these memoirs with a grain of salt anyway. You never know what's true nowadays.
Zel's pissed off that a person can have like 12 memoirs to their name. He's convinced that nobody's life is that goddamned interesting.
I suggested that he write his own memoir. After all, he's had an interesting life.
We'll see what happens. Maybe someday we'll send you all an autographed copy.
Monday, January 16, 2006
D.C. Bound
In less than 26 days, I'll be in D.C.
I'm going for a conference.
But really, it's to visit my good friend Melanie.
I promised Zel that if Mel and I dance on any tables, it'll be in a smoke-free bar.
I'm going for a conference.
But really, it's to visit my good friend Melanie.
I promised Zel that if Mel and I dance on any tables, it'll be in a smoke-free bar.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Crossword Puzzle
Each night, I work on the crossword puzzle in the paper.
Zel does the Sudoku. He usually completes these within about 3:14. He says my feeble mind can't handle the power of Sudoku.
Please. I don't have to stand there trying to figure out which is the better deal for panties: 2 for $10 or 3 for $15. I know the hottest deal is down at Victoria's Secret: 1 for $15. But, that's for women who are trying to impress someone and in that situation, you aren't frugal, yo. When you're not so old and married, you do the 2 for $10 deal.
So, I do the crossword. I do the best I can do.
I don't make a habit of jumping on the web to look up definitions of words I don't know in order to help me complete the crossword. That's cheating.
Then, when I've completed what I can, Zel takes a crack at it. Says he needs to check my work. To fix whatever's wrong.
Please. I'm a smart cookie.
I know a four letter word for Flight School Final is "solo".
I know that a seven letter word for Shirt Parts is "sleeves".
I know a five letter word for Lubricated is "lubed".
I know that a five letter word for Protein Acid is "semen".
Duh. Everyone knows that!
Zel does the Sudoku. He usually completes these within about 3:14. He says my feeble mind can't handle the power of Sudoku.
Please. I don't have to stand there trying to figure out which is the better deal for panties: 2 for $10 or 3 for $15. I know the hottest deal is down at Victoria's Secret: 1 for $15. But, that's for women who are trying to impress someone and in that situation, you aren't frugal, yo. When you're not so old and married, you do the 2 for $10 deal.
So, I do the crossword. I do the best I can do.
I don't make a habit of jumping on the web to look up definitions of words I don't know in order to help me complete the crossword. That's cheating.
Then, when I've completed what I can, Zel takes a crack at it. Says he needs to check my work. To fix whatever's wrong.
Please. I'm a smart cookie.
I know a four letter word for Flight School Final is "solo".
I know that a seven letter word for Shirt Parts is "sleeves".
I know a five letter word for Lubricated is "lubed".
I know that a five letter word for Protein Acid is "semen".
Duh. Everyone knows that!
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Paranoia
Does Utah Jazz owner Larry Miller suffer from paranoia? He recently cancelled "Brokeback Mountain" at his movie theater.
Perhaps he thinks that if a movie about gay cowboys is shown, the young boys and all the cowboys in Utah will "turn gay".
Fucking paranoid.
Perhaps he thinks that if a movie about gay cowboys is shown, the young boys and all the cowboys in Utah will "turn gay".
Fucking paranoid.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Happy Birthday
“Happy Birthday to you.
Happy Birthday to you.
Happy Birthday, Dear Jesus.
Happy Birthday to you.”Sin City
On our way, we saw this:
It was in Texas. On I-40.
Note: please notice semi in image just below the cross.
"Christ on a Cross", was what I said. Really, that was all I could say. And I mean no disrespect. After all, Jesus was a Jew. Don't want to dis a fellow Tribesman, yo.
Then we got closer.
Its nineteen stories tall. We didn't stop. I read about the height later. Or, maybe someone mentioned it at dinner. Things got a bit Twilight-Zonish for a while.
We got to Zel's parents on Christmas Eve eve. On Christmas Eve, we went to the Super Evil Empire, (SEE) and got to experience the corporate takeover of America in the Heartland.
Zel's Mom and Dad own their own business. They make pretty cool, very custom stuff for people and corporations. Mom and Dad were busy making gifts that people pay top dollar for, right up until they closed their doors at 5:00 pm on Christmas Eve. So, they hadn't shopped for each other or for anyone else. So, we headed to the SEE. Mom bought Dad a pair of flannel sleep pants and some underwear; Dad bought Mom a lightweight vacuum cleaner. They bought these together; same ticket. Took them home and Mom wrapped up both gifts. They each opened them on Christmas Day at Zel's Aunt and Uncle's house and acted completely surprised at the gifts they had received from each other. I can't make this shit up. Zel's Mom and Dad are absolutely fabulous!
While we were in the toy section of the SEE, because Mom and Dad were also shopping for Zel's young cousins, Zel turned to me and said, "I bet you $100 I'm the most highly educated person in this store."
I didn't take the bet. You don't wager odds with the Math Teacher. He's taught probability for shit's sake.
But, as you, the dedicated reader, are accustomed too...I digress. Back to the story.
On Christmas Day, we went over to Zel's Aunt and Uncle's. Before we ate, we stood in a circle around the food, hands joined, and sang "Happy Birthday to Jesus." It was one of those, "When inRome
While we were singing, Zel's Mom and I made eye contact. She knew this wasn't too Kosher with me. But, it wasn't really Kosher with her and Dad, either. And, it sure as shit wasn't Kosher with Zel. He's agnostic.
For food, Mom had ordered a brisket. Funny, because a brisket is a Jewish cut of meat, according to My Mother, Queen of the Jews (for the fans of South Park, Kyle's Mom is not an exaggeration!). Also funny because Zel and I didn't (and still don't) eat red meat. Fortunately, Zel's Mom also ordered a roasted chicken. So, we were ok.
Then we went to Arizona, and had grilled salmon for New Year's Eve dinner. Funny, to have fish in the desert.
At least we didn't have to sing "Happy Birthday to Jesus".
Happy Birthday to you.
Happy Birthday, Dear Jesus.
Happy Birthday to you.”
Yes, Zel and I have sung Happy Birthday to Jesus. Funny, really, considering I'm a Jew; a member of The Tribe.
Not my family. We Jews don't have great numbers of The Tribe living in the Bible Belt.
On our way, we saw this:
It was in Texas. On I-40. Note: please notice semi in image just below the cross.
"Christ on a Cross", was what I said. Really, that was all I could say. And I mean no disrespect. After all, Jesus was a Jew. Don't want to dis a fellow Tribesman, yo.
Then we got closer.
Its nineteen stories tall. We didn't stop. I read about the height later. Or, maybe someone mentioned it at dinner. Things got a bit Twilight-Zonish for a while.We got to Zel's parents on Christmas Eve eve. On Christmas Eve, we went to the Super Evil Empire, (SEE) and got to experience the corporate takeover of America in the Heartland.
Zel's Mom and Dad own their own business. They make pretty cool, very custom stuff for people and corporations. Mom and Dad were busy making gifts that people pay top dollar for, right up until they closed their doors at 5:00 pm on Christmas Eve. So, they hadn't shopped for each other or for anyone else. So, we headed to the SEE. Mom bought Dad a pair of flannel sleep pants and some underwear; Dad bought Mom a lightweight vacuum cleaner. They bought these together; same ticket. Took them home and Mom wrapped up both gifts. They each opened them on Christmas Day at Zel's Aunt and Uncle's house and acted completely surprised at the gifts they had received from each other. I can't make this shit up. Zel's Mom and Dad are absolutely fabulous!
While we were in the toy section of the SEE, because Mom and Dad were also shopping for Zel's young cousins, Zel turned to me and said, "I bet you $100 I'm the most highly educated person in this store."
I didn't take the bet. You don't wager odds with the Math Teacher. He's taught probability for shit's sake.
But, as you, the dedicated reader, are accustomed too...I digress. Back to the story.
On Christmas Day, we went over to Zel's Aunt and Uncle's. Before we ate, we stood in a circle around the food, hands joined, and sang "Happy Birthday to Jesus." It was one of those, "When in
While we were singing, Zel's Mom and I made eye contact. She knew this wasn't too Kosher with me. But, it wasn't really Kosher with her and Dad, either. And, it sure as shit wasn't Kosher with Zel. He's agnostic.
For food, Mom had ordered a brisket. Funny, because a brisket is a Jewish cut of meat, according to My Mother, Queen of the Jews (for the fans of South Park, Kyle's Mom is not an exaggeration!). Also funny because Zel and I didn't (and still don't) eat red meat. Fortunately, Zel's Mom also ordered a roasted chicken. So, we were ok.
Then we went to Arizona, and had grilled salmon for New Year's Eve dinner. Funny, to have fish in the desert.
At least we didn't have to sing "Happy Birthday to Jesus".
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
The Schedule
Flof has a regular schedule.His primary job is to provide us company and protection. But, he really sleeps a lot. He tells me he works 24/7, even when he's napping.
He's a 12-year-old dog, which really means he's like 84 (Mel, I did the math for you; you're welcome). So, really, it's ok that he sleeps about 20 hours/day. No matter how you cut it, he's a senior citizen.
The Schedule usually goes like this:
6:30 am--get up (Human Seniors usually get up early, too) go outside to potty.
Note: even though he's 12, he's still not mature enough to go out and do his business without being supervised and on a leash. We live on 5 acres and we don't have a fenced in yard. So, Zel gets up, gets dressed, including winter coat and hat (even in August, cause that's how it is up here), leashes Flof up and takes him out to potty.
7:00 am--eat breakfast.
7:30-9:00 am--Flof is usually awake, because we're getting ready for work.
9:00 am-4:30 pm--all day nap. Napping usually occurs on his couch. Yes, he has his own furniture. Sometimes, he even falls asleep reading the paper.
We take him out as soon as we get home.
Note: sometimes, one of us gets done with work early and comes home at like 2:00 or 3:00, and we are careful to not disturb the Master Napper. I mean, you come home and disturb a nap, you get in trouble, which includes a snotty attitude and grunting from Flof. Sometimes, he's really out, and gets pissed off if you wake him up. I mean, sometimes, when he's out, it's like he wouldn't hear the UPS truck if it pulled up.
Since we've been on vacation for the last week and a half, we've encouraged Flof to take a post-breakfast, pre-lunch, mid-morning nap. He is usually down with this. We've also encouraged him to take a post-lunch, mid-afternoon, pre-dinner nap. He's usually down with this, too.
5:00 pm--eat dinner (he let's us know when it's 5:00).
5:15 pm--post dinner potty.
5:30 pm--post-dinner half-nap. This is only a half-nap because Flof only half sleeps. I'm usually making dinner and when someone is in the kitchen, that means food, and sometimes that means cheese or bacon or a bite of chicken for The Boy, which means no sleep post-dinner.
6:30-8:00 pm--post dinner/pre half-way to bedtime potty trip nap.
8:00 pm--half-way to bedtime potty trip.
Note: at 8:00, on the dot, Flof will whine at us letting us know he needs to go. If we're watching a movie, we do our best to start it so that it doesn't interfere with the half-way to bedtime potty trip. We've told our vet that Flof can tell time, but she thinks we're crazy.)
10:00--bedtime potty trip.
Note: again, whines at 10:00 to let us know its bedtime. We've mentioned this to the vet, she thinks we smoke crack, which we don't [just for the record, in case I'm one of the tapees, you're wasting your time and I've never smoked crack.].
Flof generally sleeps from 10:00 pm - 6:30 am. And The Schedule starts all over again.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Congratulations, everyone!
To those of you who have recently made it through the 2-month Holiday Season, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
This is very exciting, because you probably had to endure such questions as:
"Are you ready for Halloween?"
"How was your Halloween?"
"Are you ready for Thanksgiving?"
"How was your Thanksgiving?"
"Are you ready for Christmas?"
"How was your Christmas?"
"What are you doing for New Year's Eve?"
"How was your New Year's Eve?"
Zel and I didn't get too many Halloween questions, since we don't have children.
Thanksgiving was nice and quiet. The Girls came over and we ate and watched "Grease" since they love Stockard Channing.
Christmas day, we didn't exchange gifts. We sat around and watched football (simply because it was Sunday. If Christmas was on any other day, we would've watched movies all day.) Our relationship has evolved to this. It takes a lot of stress off of both of us. We both had last week off and traveled just over an hour to the closest shopping mecca. We bought an iPod, so I didn't have to listen to the "How was your _________?" questions at the gym.
New Year's Eve, we watched and listened as our next-door neighbors try to burn down the forest with the hundreds of dollars worth of fireworks. These explosions lit up our entire living room and surrounding forrest while we were watching "May". These explosions also shook the walls and windows of our home. Lovely. They're selling their house, but their asking for people's souls too, so it may be a while before the house sells.
At any rate, congratulations to everyone for making it through the questions of the holidays!
This year at work, just to be different, I wished people a Happy Solstice and passed out chocolate chip cookies on 12/21, the first day of Winter. The Solstices are kind of a big thing in the Pacific Northwest, especially the Winter one because the very next day, the sun rises earlier and sets later and it means we don't have to get up in the dark and go to work in the dark forever, even though it feels like it.
I wish everyone a wonderful New Year, and hope you thoroughly enjoyed whatever other holidays you celebrate, if you celebrate any at all.
This is very exciting, because you probably had to endure such questions as:
"Are you ready for Halloween?"
"How was your Halloween?"
"Are you ready for Thanksgiving?"
"How was your Thanksgiving?"
"Are you ready for Christmas?"
"How was your Christmas?"
"What are you doing for New Year's Eve?"
"How was your New Year's Eve?"
Zel and I didn't get too many Halloween questions, since we don't have children.
Thanksgiving was nice and quiet. The Girls came over and we ate and watched "Grease" since they love Stockard Channing.
Christmas day, we didn't exchange gifts. We sat around and watched football (simply because it was Sunday. If Christmas was on any other day, we would've watched movies all day.) Our relationship has evolved to this. It takes a lot of stress off of both of us. We both had last week off and traveled just over an hour to the closest shopping mecca. We bought an iPod, so I didn't have to listen to the "How was your _________?" questions at the gym.
New Year's Eve, we watched and listened as our next-door neighbors try to burn down the forest with the hundreds of dollars worth of fireworks. These explosions lit up our entire living room and surrounding forrest while we were watching "May". These explosions also shook the walls and windows of our home. Lovely. They're selling their house, but their asking for people's souls too, so it may be a while before the house sells.
At any rate, congratulations to everyone for making it through the questions of the holidays!
This year at work, just to be different, I wished people a Happy Solstice and passed out chocolate chip cookies on 12/21, the first day of Winter. The Solstices are kind of a big thing in the Pacific Northwest, especially the Winter one because the very next day, the sun rises earlier and sets later and it means we don't have to get up in the dark and go to work in the dark forever, even though it feels like it.
I wish everyone a wonderful New Year, and hope you thoroughly enjoyed whatever other holidays you celebrate, if you celebrate any at all.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Launch the Bitch
The following converstaion just occurred in between Zel and I. (I'm in my sewing room, Zel's in the living room, watching television.)
Amelia: "What are you watching, babe?"
Zel: "Launch the Bitch." (which translates to couples figureskating)
Amelia: "Oh. Anything good?"
Zel: "No, I'm still waiting for him to launch the bitch. I think this might be ice dancing because nobody's launching anyone across the ice. This is stupid."
Amelia: "I guess I don't need to come out and watch then?"
Zel: "Not unless you want to completely waste you're time. I'm pissed. This shit sucks."
Amelia: "Then change the channel."
Zel: "No. I'm pissed. But, she's kind of hot."
Amelia: "Nobody's making you watch."
Zel: "This gives figure skating a bad fucking name. Because people are completely bored when they watch this. And who the fuck wears that dress? If that guys gets his skate stuck in that they're fucked. It's like a wedding train. Is this a sport? This is a fucking sport?! What fucking channel is this on? ESPN? It's gotta be on ESPN2. FUCK! It's on ESPN1. Who in the hell decided to put this bullshit on ESPN1?"
Amelia: "Someone who knows everyone is either watching NFL, at the movies, or napping."
Zel: "What the fuck do the judges look for? Does the couple have to touch all the fucking time? That couple didn't touch. Do they get docked point? I don't understand this sport. In Launch the Bitch, there's actually competition. This ice dancing is a bunch of bullshit. In ice skating, there's a challenge besides just getting out there on the ice and dancing the tango. In ice skating, you're gonna have to launch the bitch to earn some points."
For a while, he switched back to the Packers, Bears game.
Back to ESPN1. There's a new couple on televeision.
Zel: "This could be the real thing. Their outfits lead me to believe there going to be launching the bitch."
Silence. We watch them do a death drop, where she leans back and they each hold one hand and she's laying out flat and if he drops her, she'll probably die.
Zel: "Oh. Here we go. Yeah this is it. She is fucking hot. I bet you could bounce a quarter off her ass. I should become an ice skater. They get to put their hands all over the hot bitches."
Amelia: "Yeah, cause you don't have a hot bitch of your own."
Zel: "Yeah. I mean, you're hot, but she's a bit hotter just because she's a professional ice skater.
Amelia: "No she's not. Besides, she probably has chronic diarrhea."
Zel: "Yeah! LAUNCH THE BITCH!!!!!!"
He throws her. She spins in the air 12 million times. She lands on a fucking razor blade. On ice. Launch the Bitch is pretty cool.
Amelia: "What are you watching, babe?"
Zel: "Launch the Bitch." (which translates to couples figureskating)
Amelia: "Oh. Anything good?"
Zel: "No, I'm still waiting for him to launch the bitch. I think this might be ice dancing because nobody's launching anyone across the ice. This is stupid."
Amelia: "I guess I don't need to come out and watch then?"
Zel: "Not unless you want to completely waste you're time. I'm pissed. This shit sucks."
Amelia: "Then change the channel."
Zel: "No. I'm pissed. But, she's kind of hot."
Amelia: "Nobody's making you watch."
Zel: "This gives figure skating a bad fucking name. Because people are completely bored when they watch this. And who the fuck wears that dress? If that guys gets his skate stuck in that they're fucked. It's like a wedding train. Is this a sport? This is a fucking sport?! What fucking channel is this on? ESPN? It's gotta be on ESPN2. FUCK! It's on ESPN1. Who in the hell decided to put this bullshit on ESPN1?"
Amelia: "Someone who knows everyone is either watching NFL, at the movies, or napping."
Zel: "What the fuck do the judges look for? Does the couple have to touch all the fucking time? That couple didn't touch. Do they get docked point? I don't understand this sport. In Launch the Bitch, there's actually competition. This ice dancing is a bunch of bullshit. In ice skating, there's a challenge besides just getting out there on the ice and dancing the tango. In ice skating, you're gonna have to launch the bitch to earn some points."
For a while, he switched back to the Packers, Bears game.
Back to ESPN1. There's a new couple on televeision.
Zel: "This could be the real thing. Their outfits lead me to believe there going to be launching the bitch."
Silence. We watch them do a death drop, where she leans back and they each hold one hand and she's laying out flat and if he drops her, she'll probably die.
Zel: "Oh. Here we go. Yeah this is it. She is fucking hot. I bet you could bounce a quarter off her ass. I should become an ice skater. They get to put their hands all over the hot bitches."
Amelia: "Yeah, cause you don't have a hot bitch of your own."
Zel: "Yeah. I mean, you're hot, but she's a bit hotter just because she's a professional ice skater.
Amelia: "No she's not. Besides, she probably has chronic diarrhea."
Zel: "Yeah! LAUNCH THE BITCH!!!!!!"
He throws her. She spins in the air 12 million times. She lands on a fucking razor blade. On ice. Launch the Bitch is pretty cool.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
House down the road
There's this house about a mile down the road from us. Every year, the day after Thanksgiving, the owners decorate it for Chirstmas.
Every year, the owners seem to add something, usually a big blow up character, to the ensamble of characters. This year, they added one of those really big snow globes (on the left).
When I'm on my way home, I can see this house from over a mile away. I'm not kidding.
I'm glad he does this, and it's kind of cool. But when I think about the amount of money he's spent on decorations, not to mention the electric bill.... That's a lot of money. Money that can go into other things like hleping homeless people in our community or providing food for animals at the humane society. But whatever.
We shouldn't judge other people's money. We should be thankful that for a bit longer in our country, we have the autonomy to spend our money as we see fit.
Every year, the owners seem to add something, usually a big blow up character, to the ensamble of characters. This year, they added one of those really big snow globes (on the left).
When I'm on my way home, I can see this house from over a mile away. I'm not kidding.
I'm glad he does this, and it's kind of cool. But when I think about the amount of money he's spent on decorations, not to mention the electric bill.... That's a lot of money. Money that can go into other things like hleping homeless people in our community or providing food for animals at the humane society. But whatever.
We shouldn't judge other people's money. We should be thankful that for a bit longer in our country, we have the autonomy to spend our money as we see fit.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Most Eligible Bachelor in the County
Today, I had the privilege to spend a little over an hour with the Most Eligible Bachelor in the County.
It was actually one hour and seventeen minutes.
He's an attorney.
He's very attractive.
He's an in-shape, 5'8", early thirty-something.
Dark hair and eyes.
Wears glasses.
Drives a truck.
He has a personality.
And he's fucking smart.
All of the women I work with think he's attractive. Including the lesbian.
One of the women I work with, she works with him pretty closely because she's the Contract Queen for my department. He's the attorney for the Entity we work for that reviews all the contracts.
The Contract Queen is smitten with the Most Eligible Bachelor in the County. He pops in to see her to talk about the contract of the moment.
The other day, she emailed him and said something to the effect of "maybe we can chat outside the office someday, like when there aren't 15 people pulling you in 15 directions."
When she told me this, I said, "Dude, you asked him out."
She said, "No, I didn't. I let him know that if he wants to ask me out, I'm available."
The Contract Queen is pretty smart. Much smarter than she gives her self credit for.
The Most Eligible Bachelor in the County has not yet emailed her back. He's very by the book. He has to be. His career and the Entity depend on it.
Before I met with the Most Eligible Bachelor in the County, I told the Contract Queen that I was going to say things to him like, "So, did you get the Contract Queen's email? Are you going to ask her out? Cause she really wants to blow you."
When I returned to our office after meeting with him, I told her I did it. She didn't believe me.
In actuality, when I was sitting in his office with the door closed, I wanted a disco ball to drop from the ceiling and do a pole dance on his desk.
But I didn't. I like my job. It keeps a roof over my head.
I'll come home and take my sexual frustrations out on Zel. He's aware that I'm attracted to the Most Eligible Bachelor in the County. He doesn't mind getting blown. And I earn some Wife Points.
I'll let the Contract Queen keep pursuing the Most Eligible Bachelor in the County. They're good for each other.
It was actually one hour and seventeen minutes.
He's an attorney.
He's very attractive.
He's an in-shape, 5'8", early thirty-something.
Dark hair and eyes.
Wears glasses.
Drives a truck.
He has a personality.
And he's fucking smart.
All of the women I work with think he's attractive. Including the lesbian.
One of the women I work with, she works with him pretty closely because she's the Contract Queen for my department. He's the attorney for the Entity we work for that reviews all the contracts.
The Contract Queen is smitten with the Most Eligible Bachelor in the County. He pops in to see her to talk about the contract of the moment.
The other day, she emailed him and said something to the effect of "maybe we can chat outside the office someday, like when there aren't 15 people pulling you in 15 directions."
When she told me this, I said, "Dude, you asked him out."
She said, "No, I didn't. I let him know that if he wants to ask me out, I'm available."
The Contract Queen is pretty smart. Much smarter than she gives her self credit for.
The Most Eligible Bachelor in the County has not yet emailed her back. He's very by the book. He has to be. His career and the Entity depend on it.
Before I met with the Most Eligible Bachelor in the County, I told the Contract Queen that I was going to say things to him like, "So, did you get the Contract Queen's email? Are you going to ask her out? Cause she really wants to blow you."
When I returned to our office after meeting with him, I told her I did it. She didn't believe me.
In actuality, when I was sitting in his office with the door closed, I wanted a disco ball to drop from the ceiling and do a pole dance on his desk.
But I didn't. I like my job. It keeps a roof over my head.
I'll come home and take my sexual frustrations out on Zel. He's aware that I'm attracted to the Most Eligible Bachelor in the County. He doesn't mind getting blown. And I earn some Wife Points.
I'll let the Contract Queen keep pursuing the Most Eligible Bachelor in the County. They're good for each other.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Geisha Camp
I read that Ziyi Zhang, who plays Sayuri in "Memoirs of a Geisha" had intensive training on how to effectively play a geisha. She said that before shooting the film, she spent six weeks on how to walk, bow, pour tea, perfect subtle gestures, and how to dance in 12 inch platform shoes.
Although she could've taken her 12-inch-platform-shoe-dance-lessons from Gene Simmons, Ziyi Zhang actually took lessons in a different manner.
I mentioned to Zel that in order to prepare for her roll, this beautiful actress spent time at Geisha Camp.
Zel said, "I wonder if they're taking applications. Do you think they'd take you?"
"Perhaps", I said. "But I'm concerned about my age."
After all, the Jedi Masters felt Luke and Anakin were too old to start training.
Zel said, "I have many reservations about your age! However, regarding Geisha Camp, it's never too late to learn."
I agree. About learning new things. Not about my age.
And, the longer the stress at work goes on, the more seriously I consider applying to Geisha Camp.
Although she could've taken her 12-inch-platform-shoe-dance-lessons from Gene Simmons, Ziyi Zhang actually took lessons in a different manner.
I mentioned to Zel that in order to prepare for her roll, this beautiful actress spent time at Geisha Camp.
Zel said, "I wonder if they're taking applications. Do you think they'd take you?"
"Perhaps", I said. "But I'm concerned about my age."
After all, the Jedi Masters felt Luke and Anakin were too old to start training.
Zel said, "I have many reservations about your age! However, regarding Geisha Camp, it's never too late to learn."
I agree. About learning new things. Not about my age.
And, the longer the stress at work goes on, the more seriously I consider applying to Geisha Camp.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Stress at work
Work has been a bit stressful for me lately.
As a result, I had this show up on my chin.
As a result, I had this show up on my chin.
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