So, we're at the doctor's office yesterday. In the waiting room. (I'll spare you the details of why we were there.)
And Toddler Kaos walks over to this lady and starts making eyes at her.
She starts talking to him. And he doesn't reply.
She was a smoker. He's a smart kid and not only does he not talk to strangers, he doesn't talk to women who look 80 but are actually only 50 because they smoke.
And then she said, "Are you a mama's boy?"
And he looked over at us like, "WTF?"
What I think she really meant by her question was, "Are you a pussy?"
Because really, all 16 month old boys are mama's boys. Honestly.
Showing posts with label Comment of the Day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Comment of the Day. Show all posts
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Comment of the Day, August 7, 2007
So, I'm calling around to local stores, trying to find a specific baby-proofing lock. I'm looking for a Safety 1st, Lazy Susan Cabinet Lock.
Yes, I used the Inter-Web and tried to find one. And find one I did...for $2.97. And a mere $10.00 s/h. No, I'm not making this up. TEN DOLLARS to ship and handle a piece of plastic that cost $0.50 to make. Dry eff in the A, no reach-around.
I've looked at the Empire, but they don't have the specific lock I'm looking for. So, I call around.
Store 1
A major corporation; not the best customer service when you're in the store generally means not the best customer service when you're on the phone. I tell the guy at the Special Order Service Desk that I'm looking for a specific childproofing lock, I know they carry the brand, but they don't carry the lock. He asks me what kind of lock; I tell him it's a Safety 1st, Lazy Susan Cabinet Lock, and ask if they would be willing to order it for me. I didn't tell him that I want to see if they can special order it for me and not charge me $13.00 for it.
“And what's this for again?” he asks.
“Childproofing,” I say. I'm patient. He's a bit on the slow side...probably not getting enough fresh air.
He tells me that he's looking in the computer for Safety 1st, but that it's not coming up. Nothing called Safety 1st is coming up. He tells me that he's never heard of Safety 1st, but that he's also not surprised he's never heard of it because they "carry a lot of different stuff here at The Major Corporation."
He tells me that he needs to do a bit more searching and he's going to set the phone down. He set the phone down. He did not put me on hold. He SET THE PHONE DOWN ON THE COUNTER. I hung up; I don't have time for this shit.
Store 2
I call the mom-and-pop store, which is sometimes referred to as “Store, Our Store” because one or both of The Girls claimed she saw Huey Lewis and his dad there.
I tell the gal on the phone at the mom-and-pop that I'm looking for a specific childproofing item: the Safety 1st, Lazy Susan Cabinet Lock and ask her if they carry such a thing.
“Jus a sec,” she says. (yes, she said, “Jus” not “Just”; God bless 'er!)
She continues, but not quite in my ear, “Hey, Craig! Do we carry baby proofin' stuff?”
In my head: “Oh, Sweet Jesus.”
Craig: “Uh, yeah! On aisle 10, on the left.”
She comes back to me, “It's on aisle 10, on the left.”
"Mkay."
Out loud, I said, “Ok, so you carry it then?”
“Well,” she said, “the childproofing stuff is on aisle 10, on the left. So you'd need to take a left at aisle 10.”
No, I didn't go ask her to check. Instead, I said, “Thank you very much. I appreciate your time.”
“You're welcome,” she said.
Wow. What the goddamn do you say to something like that? Because it was kinda funny; kinda not.
At least I know exactly where to go in the Store, Our Store: aisle ten, on the left.
Yes, I used the Inter-Web and tried to find one. And find one I did...for $2.97. And a mere $10.00 s/h. No, I'm not making this up. TEN DOLLARS to ship and handle a piece of plastic that cost $0.50 to make. Dry eff in the A, no reach-around.
I've looked at the Empire, but they don't have the specific lock I'm looking for. So, I call around.
Store 1
A major corporation; not the best customer service when you're in the store generally means not the best customer service when you're on the phone. I tell the guy at the Special Order Service Desk that I'm looking for a specific childproofing lock, I know they carry the brand, but they don't carry the lock. He asks me what kind of lock; I tell him it's a Safety 1st, Lazy Susan Cabinet Lock, and ask if they would be willing to order it for me. I didn't tell him that I want to see if they can special order it for me and not charge me $13.00 for it.
“And what's this for again?” he asks.
“Childproofing,” I say. I'm patient. He's a bit on the slow side...probably not getting enough fresh air.
He tells me that he's looking in the computer for Safety 1st, but that it's not coming up. Nothing called Safety 1st is coming up. He tells me that he's never heard of Safety 1st, but that he's also not surprised he's never heard of it because they "carry a lot of different stuff here at The Major Corporation."
He tells me that he needs to do a bit more searching and he's going to set the phone down. He set the phone down. He did not put me on hold. He SET THE PHONE DOWN ON THE COUNTER. I hung up; I don't have time for this shit.
Store 2
I call the mom-and-pop store, which is sometimes referred to as “Store, Our Store” because one or both of The Girls claimed she saw Huey Lewis and his dad there.
I tell the gal on the phone at the mom-and-pop that I'm looking for a specific childproofing item: the Safety 1st, Lazy Susan Cabinet Lock and ask her if they carry such a thing.
“Jus a sec,” she says. (yes, she said, “Jus” not “Just”; God bless 'er!)
She continues, but not quite in my ear, “Hey, Craig! Do we carry baby proofin' stuff?”
In my head: “Oh, Sweet Jesus.”
Craig: “Uh, yeah! On aisle 10, on the left.”
She comes back to me, “It's on aisle 10, on the left.”
"Mkay."
Out loud, I said, “Ok, so you carry it then?”
“Well,” she said, “the childproofing stuff is on aisle 10, on the left. So you'd need to take a left at aisle 10.”
No, I didn't go ask her to check. Instead, I said, “Thank you very much. I appreciate your time.”
“You're welcome,” she said.
Wow. What the goddamn do you say to something like that? Because it was kinda funny; kinda not.
At least I know exactly where to go in the Store, Our Store: aisle ten, on the left.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Comment of the Day, May 30, 2007
I was in a meeting yesterday with a colleague.
We'd met before, but it wasn't in a professional manner, and we were both trying to figure out where we knew each other from.
In a town of 25,000 people, you tend to see folks around.
The topic of yoga came up; we both practice yoga.
She said, “Did you practice when you were pregnant?”
“Yep,” I said. “I practiced before I got pregnant and then I practiced throughout my pregnancy, and now I try to get to class once a week.”
She said, “That's where I've seen you! I remember practicing next to you when you were pregnant. You were hard core.”
“Wow! Thanks!” I said. I was a bit taken aback, but in a good way. I mean, what do you say when someone says you're Hard Core and they're not referring to porn?
“Yeah,” she said. “I mean, you were huge—and I don't mean that to be mean—and you were keeping up with us. It was pretty impressive.”
“Thanks,” I said.
Hard core. Impressive. That's me.
We'd met before, but it wasn't in a professional manner, and we were both trying to figure out where we knew each other from.
In a town of 25,000 people, you tend to see folks around.
The topic of yoga came up; we both practice yoga.
She said, “Did you practice when you were pregnant?”
“Yep,” I said. “I practiced before I got pregnant and then I practiced throughout my pregnancy, and now I try to get to class once a week.”
She said, “That's where I've seen you! I remember practicing next to you when you were pregnant. You were hard core.”
“Wow! Thanks!” I said. I was a bit taken aback, but in a good way. I mean, what do you say when someone says you're Hard Core and they're not referring to porn?
“Yeah,” she said. “I mean, you were huge—and I don't mean that to be mean—and you were keeping up with us. It was pretty impressive.”
“Thanks,” I said.
Hard core. Impressive. That's me.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Comment of the Day, May 18, 2007
Baby Kaos and I went to a new bookstore today. A new used bookstore. I'm not down with paying new prices for books.
We don't get over to the other side of town much, and that's where the bookstore is. We were on our way back from shopping at the secondhand baby clothes store. It's my new favorite store, but that's a different blog.
So, we go in to the used bookstore, and we're the only customers. No biggie.
The owner, who is an older woman, greeted us and asked if she could help us. I told her we were looking for children's books.
“Well,” she said, “I have some here, but he's a little young for those.”
She was pointing to “The Cat In The Hat”.
“And we have some over here, too,” she said.
“Baby Kaos,” I said, “Look! It's 'The Cat In The Hat'! You know this book!”
In other words, beeyatch, don't tell me my kid's too young for “The Cat In The Hat” because my son is a genius because we read to him everyday.
So we start looking at the books. And the owner starts talking. She asked if she could hold Baby Kaos, “After all,” she said, “I'm a grandma. You know grandmas when you see them, don't you Baby?”
I said, “Well, he's not had much lunch and he's pretty tired, so I don't think he's the best company right now.”
And she kinda disregarded what I said and did that thing that people do with their hands when they're getting ready to hold a baby—the “clap, clap, come 'ere” maneuver. You're done it. You know it.
Fortunately, Baby Kaos leaned his head into my shoulder. He's a great performer. But, she still didn't get the clue that he wasn't interested in her.
She kept talking. I learned all about that she's the mom of twins and that she has two granddaughters that live in California and that the granddaughters want her to move down to California but that she can't afford to live there and that they don't live in a great neighborhood and houses are sill $600,000.
“Do you mind if we look around?” I asked. I'm trying to make us scarce and be polite.
We start to walk away. Just walking around looking at books is really the entire reason I wanted to go in there anyway.
We're about 2/3 of the way through the store and I hear her say, “Are you a Christian?”
Sweet Jesus. You coulda knocked me over with a feather.
“No,” I said.
She said, “Well, if you were, I was going to tell you that we have a lot of Christian books for children.”
I said, “Thanks. We have lots of Christian friends, so we'll be sure to tell them.”
And we left shortly thereafter. I was a bit concerned that she was going to baptize Baby Kaos.
When Baby Kaos and I got out to the truck, I said to him, “If that dumb beeyatch would've looked at our noses, she would've known that we're a bunch of Jews!”
We don't get over to the other side of town much, and that's where the bookstore is. We were on our way back from shopping at the secondhand baby clothes store. It's my new favorite store, but that's a different blog.
So, we go in to the used bookstore, and we're the only customers. No biggie.
The owner, who is an older woman, greeted us and asked if she could help us. I told her we were looking for children's books.
“Well,” she said, “I have some here, but he's a little young for those.”
She was pointing to “The Cat In The Hat”.
“And we have some over here, too,” she said.
“Baby Kaos,” I said, “Look! It's 'The Cat In The Hat'! You know this book!”
In other words, beeyatch, don't tell me my kid's too young for “The Cat In The Hat” because my son is a genius because we read to him everyday.
So we start looking at the books. And the owner starts talking. She asked if she could hold Baby Kaos, “After all,” she said, “I'm a grandma. You know grandmas when you see them, don't you Baby?”
I said, “Well, he's not had much lunch and he's pretty tired, so I don't think he's the best company right now.”
And she kinda disregarded what I said and did that thing that people do with their hands when they're getting ready to hold a baby—the “clap, clap, come 'ere” maneuver. You're done it. You know it.
Fortunately, Baby Kaos leaned his head into my shoulder. He's a great performer. But, she still didn't get the clue that he wasn't interested in her.
She kept talking. I learned all about that she's the mom of twins and that she has two granddaughters that live in California and that the granddaughters want her to move down to California but that she can't afford to live there and that they don't live in a great neighborhood and houses are sill $600,000.
“Do you mind if we look around?” I asked. I'm trying to make us scarce and be polite.
We start to walk away. Just walking around looking at books is really the entire reason I wanted to go in there anyway.
We're about 2/3 of the way through the store and I hear her say, “Are you a Christian?”
Sweet Jesus. You coulda knocked me over with a feather.
“No,” I said.
She said, “Well, if you were, I was going to tell you that we have a lot of Christian books for children.”
I said, “Thanks. We have lots of Christian friends, so we'll be sure to tell them.”
And we left shortly thereafter. I was a bit concerned that she was going to baptize Baby Kaos.
When Baby Kaos and I got out to the truck, I said to him, “If that dumb beeyatch would've looked at our noses, she would've known that we're a bunch of Jews!”
Friday, April 20, 2007
Comment of the Day, April 20, 2007
I'm not sure why the comment of the day has been happening at the grocery store. Baby Kaos and I weren't at the usual grocery store. We were at the big-chain grocery store, where they have things like the best cheese in the world. The other grocery store is locally owned and while we can get locally grown fruits and veggies, and the cheese is good, it doesn't compare.
Anyway, so we're in the checkout line and the checker said to Baby Kaos, “Oh, Mom took you out of the cart. That's ok! I'll just flirt with you over here instead.”
And I said to Baby Kaos, “Are you going to flirt with her?”
And he did, because flirting is his new trick. But, he's not a circus seal, so I'm trying to limit performances, yo.
And the checker, who seems to be a nice lady—I usually try and go through her line—tells me that she has a 3-month-old at home, and she asked how old Baby Kaos is. Then we started talking about names and she told me her son's name and I told her my son's name and we agreed that we named our babies with good names.
And I said, “We have one of the top 10 most common last names, so we wanted to go with something uncommon for a first name.”
And the bagger, who is probably about 55 felt this was his opportunity to pipe up. He said, “What's your last name?”
And I told him. Common last name—didn't think too much of it except I did kick myself a little for opening that can of worms. But, it's not like they don't have my vital information in their goddamned club card database. So, again, didn't think too much of it.
So then I turned to the checker to continue my conversation with her. And we started talking a bit about common last names.
And then the bagger said, “Well, what's your maiden name?”
And I said, “Smith.” Which it isn't. But, the bagger thought it was funny that I was a Smith and I married an Anderson. Fucking hilarious.
Inside my head I said, “None of your fucking business.”
Then he said, “Your hands are pretty full. Do you need help out today?”
And I minded my p's and q's and politely said, “Nope. We can manage. Thanks anyway, though.”
Strange. Why the fuck do you need to know my last name and my maiden name? So you're trying to make conversation, which is a learned art. But, it's really none of your business.
And, I know you're trying to do your job, but do you want to know what type of vehicle I drive and get my license plate number so that you can track me down and ax murder me? Or, perhaps you know the guy at the locally-0wned grocery store and you're working the child molester scene together. Ok, the last two parts were a little paranoid-Jew, but you know what I'm sayin.
Anyway, so we're in the checkout line and the checker said to Baby Kaos, “Oh, Mom took you out of the cart. That's ok! I'll just flirt with you over here instead.”
And I said to Baby Kaos, “Are you going to flirt with her?”
And he did, because flirting is his new trick. But, he's not a circus seal, so I'm trying to limit performances, yo.
And the checker, who seems to be a nice lady—I usually try and go through her line—tells me that she has a 3-month-old at home, and she asked how old Baby Kaos is. Then we started talking about names and she told me her son's name and I told her my son's name and we agreed that we named our babies with good names.
And I said, “We have one of the top 10 most common last names, so we wanted to go with something uncommon for a first name.”
And the bagger, who is probably about 55 felt this was his opportunity to pipe up. He said, “What's your last name?”
And I told him. Common last name—didn't think too much of it except I did kick myself a little for opening that can of worms. But, it's not like they don't have my vital information in their goddamned club card database. So, again, didn't think too much of it.
So then I turned to the checker to continue my conversation with her. And we started talking a bit about common last names.
And then the bagger said, “Well, what's your maiden name?”
And I said, “Smith.” Which it isn't. But, the bagger thought it was funny that I was a Smith and I married an Anderson. Fucking hilarious.
Inside my head I said, “None of your fucking business.”
Then he said, “Your hands are pretty full. Do you need help out today?”
And I minded my p's and q's and politely said, “Nope. We can manage. Thanks anyway, though.”
Strange. Why the fuck do you need to know my last name and my maiden name? So you're trying to make conversation, which is a learned art. But, it's really none of your business.
And, I know you're trying to do your job, but do you want to know what type of vehicle I drive and get my license plate number so that you can track me down and ax murder me? Or, perhaps you know the guy at the locally-0wned grocery store and you're working the child molester scene together. Ok, the last two parts were a little paranoid-Jew, but you know what I'm sayin.
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