Mascara

I hate it when I'm putting mascara on and I accidentally blink and then the mascara makes me look like a raccoon.

The Couch Incident

For Thanksgiving, we had company. Company in our house is a rare occurrence. Partly because we don't have much furniture, but mostly because we're somewhat anti-social.

The Girls came over, and, given that we don't have much furniture, they sat on Flof's couch. We put a sheet down to protect them from hair and other things on the couch. It's more of a loveseat, really, but regardless, Flof is the only dog I know of who has his own furniture.

After we ate, which was pretty early (I tried to get the bird on the table between games so that I could maximize my Wife Points, but it didn't happen because Evie called, which is another rare occurrence.) we all moved into the living room to watch the second game. And then, because we were all pretty fat and lazy, like most Americans on Thanksgiving (and most other days) we just stayed parked in our respective places untill about 10 pm.

Flof came in to the living room and tried to sit on his couch with The Girls, but they weren't moving (which is fine, after all, they're company!). They all three couldn't fit on the loveseat. I mean, the dog weights 100 pounds, so it's not like he's going to sit on the couch and go unnoticed.

Throughout the day and into the night, he'd give them dirty looks; lay down near his couch and grunt; sit in front of his table, glare at them and grunt some more.

Towards the end of the evening, when we were watching "Grease" and all checking out Stockard Channing and Olivia Newton-John, Flof was laying down in the living room, and shifting his weight. He does this sometimes when he's been holding his urine for a long time. Usually when he does this, I tell him he's a Zen Master.

However, this time he was passively-aggressively telling The Girls to get their asses up off of his couch because his 12-year-old dog hips were really hurting him.

When The Girls left, he parked his 100-pound-dog-ass on his couch and didn't move. Usually, when we go to bed, Flof goes back to the bedroom, too. Thursday night when we went to bed, he stayed on his couch.

Wife Points

Today I vacuumed the entire house and earned 40 Wife Points. I didn't move the furniture. I get an extra 15 points for that.

Yesterday I prepared Thanksgiving dinner, which most sane people know is a tremendous amount of work. I'm hoping for like 150 wife points, but I'll know for sure in a few hours, after Zel eats.

I also earned additional points last night for making fudge (points = TBD; depends on the quality of the fudge).

I also cleaned the bathrooms (30 points total) and dusted with Endust for electronics, which is 15 points (if I dust with just the Swiffer, it's only 5 Wife Points).

I'm saving up my Wife Points in my Wife Points Saving Account (WPSA). But, I'm hardly ever in the black.

I'm hoping to cash in my Wife Points sometime soon and get my pussy licked.

Seen Around

In My Little Town, my local paper has this itty-bitty section called "Seen Around". It's where people contact the local paper and let them know what they've seen in the community. Each day, there's usually one. Sometimes, there are two.

For example:

"Sign on dental office parking lot: 'Dentists Only. Others Will Be Extracted.'"

"Deer prancing and drivers stopping. Deer bounds into woods."

I'm not kidding. I can't make this up.

In honor of Seen Around in my local paper, I'm starting my own version. However, it isn't likely to get into the local paper's Seen Around, since I may throw in my own commentaries on occasion.

So here we go:

Seen Around
Personalized state issued lisense plate: "LVDBYGD".

Good for them.

Do they know they're loved by God because W. told them?

Or maybe it was Pat Robertson?

They're the only two people I know of that are allowed to talk to God.

Do you think that if I were to go to the state and try to get a license plate that says: "LVDBYSATN" that I'd be able to put it on my car?

Probably not. Too many letters.

Maybe I could shorten it to "LVSATN".

Not that I do. I'm just sayin'.

Maybe I could get "WANNA69", 'cause I do. You know what I'm sayin'?

Friday night at the bookstore

Every Friday night, Zel and I go out to dinner, and then we go to the bookstore. We've done this religiously for nearly 10 years now.

The local Bookstore Lady, who we've become friendly with and who is simply lovely, said that she recently purchased the new Cyndi Lauper CD, "The Body Acoustic" and that she really has been enjoying it.

Then we started talking about music from the 80's.

Naturally, I brought up INXS, and how totally hott Michael Hutchence was (so hott, he gets a second t).

And, out of the blue, in a very matter-of-fact tone of voice, the Bookstore Lady said, "I heard he didn't shower."

It was one of those really rare moments where I was stunned. Had absolutely nothing to say.

Zel was thrilled.

Oral sex linked to mouth cancer: Swedish study

The Swedes recently published a study that states if a person has the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) and another person performs oral sex on them, then the blower, if you will, is more likely to develop mouth cancer.

Makes sense. We know that HPV causes cervical cancer.

My favorite line from this article is the following:

"'You should avoid having oral sex,' dentist and researcher Kerstin Rosenquist, who headed the study."

I wonder if he's (or she, can't really tell by the name, bless it's heart!) in cahoots with the Christian Right.

Excuse me? Avoid oral sex? Why don't you just tell me to avoid breathing?

The Following Conversation Just Occurred

Zel said, "Were you hot last night?"

I said, "I didn't sleep last night."

He said, "I didn't ask you how you slept last night. I asked you if you were hot last night."

I said, "No I wasn't hot last night. I'm hott all the time!"

He secretly loves it when I don't answer his questions, he just won't admit it.

Do You Speak French?

Zel and I went to Chinese food last night with some good friends.

One of them had on a new blue fleece pullover. It brought out her eyes.

"I like your fleece," I said.

"Thanks," she said. She looked at me a bit longer than usual. She's a lesbian, but I don't think she was trying to get me to hit on her.

But I did anyway.

"It brings out your eyes," I said.

"Thanks," she said again, and continued looking at me.

Clearly, she wanted me to say, "Where'd you get it?" So I played along.

"Do you speak French," she said.

I wasn't expecting that for an answer. "What the hell does that have to do with the price of tea in China?" I didn't say this because we were sipping our hot tea at the Chinese restaurant. I really wanted to know where she was going with this one.

“Well…I’m trying to figure out a great way to translate the store into French, but it hasn’t been easy.”

I looked at her, and the expression on my face must’ve said something like, “What the goddamn are you talking about?”

She continued: “Saying ‘Goodwill’ in French just doesn’t flow.”

Top Cats

Good for the Carolina Cheerleaders!

Making out in a bathroom stall is totally hott! So hott it gets a second t!

They're capturing their youth and being young and reckless. When else are we given the opportunity to go this? That's right. Only when we're young.

Then they get in a fight with some other chick. Who, let's face it, was probably pissed off that she wasn't in the bathroom stall making out. I'm thinking three-some.

And honestly, when we're in the middle of a sexual act and we're interrupted, we're pissed off! Do you blame them?

Then they get released from the Top Cats. They dissed the squad. They dissed the Carolina Panthers.

Funny, really, considering the on-going escapades of many NFL players:

Ray Lewis, Baltimore Ravens. Set up a plea bargain for obstructing justice in a murder case. Nice. I bet his parents are proud of him for that one.

Jamal Lewis, Baltimore Ravens, distribution of cocaine.

The Minnesota Vikings players and the Sex Boat Cruise. I'm ok with the idea of having sex on a boat. I just don't agree with how the players went about it.

Mike Tice, coach of the above mentioned Vikings. Scalping tickets for this past Super Bowl. Come on, Tice, don't you make enough money in one year to feed and clothe the residents of Somalia for 10 years?

Terrell Owens...hasn't done anything illegal that I know of. But I had to throw him in the mix simply because I think he's making a complete ass of himself. His apology to the Eagles was a joke.

Ricky Williams, Miami Dolphins. Look, get rid of your bong, flush the weed, and go see a drug and alcohol counselor. Either that, or don't be so goddamned dumb about it that you get caught!

And of course, O.J. Do I really need to go into this?

We live in a world of double standards. In my opinion, the Carolina Cheerleaders who were dismissed didn't do anything worse than the above mentioned men. And the men are still making millions. Except maybe O.J. Didn't he have to sell his Heisman Trophy?

So, why were the cheerleaders released? Because the Top Cats organization didn't want to send a message to the little girls who idolized them.

Please. The only people that pay attention to cheerleaders are grown men. And lesbians.

No mention of the issue on the Top Cats' web page. Typical American attitude: Don't talk about it. Bury your head in the sand. It never happened.

But, then the former Top Cats, the ones who made out in the bathroom, received an offer to pose in Penthouse.

Good for them!

Annual Stretch and Poke

I started off my Halloween morning with my Annual Stretch and Poke.

I needed something a little spooky.

The Annual Stretch and Poke is when we women go in, change into a gown, and are given an extra large piece of paper to cover our lower orifices. Today the paper was a nice mauve color. I found my self wishing I'd brought my colored markers.

Today, though, the entire office was in disarray. The computers were down. They didn't know why I was there. They asked me, which was good. I'd hate for them to give the Annual Stretch and Poke to someone who wasn't expecting it. Especially a man.

To add to the confusion, some of the staff were dressed up. One of my favorite people was dressed up as a Starbuck's Latte. At the end of the day, she get's the best costume award (we don't get trick-or-treaters at our house, cause we live in the sticks!). Except for the part where she was promoting Starbuck's. But, she was making a statement that she doesn't mess around with her coffee.

My nurse practitioner, who is really quite lovely, was a bit distressed. She couldn't give me the results of my annual blood work. She said she'd send me a note with the results, and that if it was really serious, she'd have the Latte give me a ring so we can get me back in. She said not to worry, though, she was reviewing blood work results on Friday to prepare for this week, and there wasn't anything that she could recall that stuck out. She didn't say how many blood work-ups she looked at. I didn't ask.

So, after the brief catch up since last year, she did the breast exam on me. Then she stretched and poked my vagina. The good news, and the reason my nurse practitioner is really quite lovely is that she runs the speculum under warm water. That way, and this part really is for the gentlemen out there, you don't have cold metal shoved into your vagina.

A warm speculum makes the Annual Stretch and Poke a little less spooky.

Daylight Saving Time

Daylight Saving Time is a bunch of bullshit.

Since leaving the Great State of Arizona in 1998, I've had to change my clock by an hour, twice annually.

My Grandma told me that when my Dad was a boy, the residents of the Great State of Arizona voted to decide whether they wanted to participate in these shenanigans. According to WebExhibits.org, "Daylight Saving Time is NOT observed in Hawaii, American Samoa, Guam, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, Arizona, and most of the Eastern Time Zone portion of Indiana."

The residents of these states and territories are brilliant. When we moved from Arizona, we lost our glow of brilliance. We are now merely intelligent.

Every time I change my clock, I feel like I have jet lag for a week. Of course, being super tired makes me a super crab. And, did I mention I get to do this twice a year? Yep...once every six months, I get to fuck up my sleep schedule.

Why? I have to give credit for this to Benjamin Franklin. Apparently he was the first person to conceive of the idea of Daylight Saving Time. Bastard.

In the spring, we "Spring Forward". And in the fall, we "Fall Back". Cute. I wish Daylight Saving Time would spring forward so far it removes itself off the face of the earth and never falls back.

Really, it's another way for the government to control the people. In order for them to make sure they have complete control over us, the first weekend in April and last weekend in October we gain and lose time. It's not quite as cool as Star Trek. If it was, I wouldn't be bitching about it.

However, He Who is Not So Bright, a.k.a. "W", recently made it law that, in the U.S. in 2007, we'll be "Springing Forward" the second week in March and "Falling Back" the first Sunday in November.

What? Excuse me? Who decided to write this law? Sweet Jesus. They really need to find better things to do with their time and my money in D.C.

Is it a coincidence that He Who is Not So Bright hasn't lived in one of the above mentioned states or territories? Perhaps.

Some people theorize that we have less accidents, thus we are safer, because there is more light. Well, lemme ask you, when it's December and January, and there are little kids out waiting for the school bus at 7:00 am and it's goddamn cold and goddamn dark, and the sun isn't coming up for another 90 minutes, how is that safer? Am I missing something?

And, twice a year, prior to changing our clocks, I get to have the following conversation with my office mates (there are three of us):

"Don't forget to change your clock this weekend."

"Are we gaining or loosing an hour this time?"

"I don't know. I hate this. In Arizona, we didn't have to do this. That state knows what's goin' on. Really, Daylight Saving Time is just a bunch of bullshit."

Usually, this gets an eye roll from both of them. But the one who lived in Arizona for a few years agrees with me.

The Monday after we change time, one of them inevitably comes in to the office and is in a major tizzy and says, "Ugh! I'm late because I forgot to change my clock!"

One of my office mates was born and raised in My Little Town. The other has lived all over the U.S. They've been doing this time warp shit a lot longer than I have, but it never fails: one of them forgets to change her clocks.

Maybe they fail to change their clocks intentionally because they secretly don't want to conform.

But really, it's really all just a bunch of bullshit.

Decided on a Birthday Gift

For My Little Brother, we decided to get him two books for his 21st birthday. We thought about the suggestion posted to the blog (thank you Evie! The rest of you suck for not providing suggestions!). However, shipping alcohol across state lines without a license is illegal.

The first book is Blindness, by Jose Saramago. Both Zel and I recently read this. We picked it up for My Little Brother's birthday to expose him to different styles of creative writing. After all, he'll have his BA in Creative Writing one day.

The second one is Fast Food Nation: The Dark Side of the All-American Meal, by Eric Schlosser. Again, something we've both recently read. We picked this one because My Little Brother is becoming socially conscious. For example, he recently watched The Corporation.

I'm not gonna lie, we haven't seen this yet. But, I can't express to you how exciting it is to watch this kid become aware of how evil corporations are...how they shove their propaganda down our throats...how many of us eat it up like popcorn that was popped with saffola oil on the stove, and sprinkled with sea salt.

I think the last book I gave My Little Brother was Good Night Moon when he was like two years old.

He said he was glad to receive Blindness and Fast Food Nation, and that he'll probably read them when he's on Winter Break. Right now he's reading for pain and not pleasure.

It appears giving him books is a hit. I think the next book we'll get for him is The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon (thanks to The Girls for recommending this one to us!).

Chaps

The Indianapolis Colts' Cheerleaders wear chaps (please refer to hott babe at right. So hott, she gets a second T.)

Zel noticed tonight during the game (or should I say "spanking"?).

Thinking I might get a little, I offered to buy some. When, according to the U.S. Census, you're "a thirty-something-who's-
been-married-for-a-long-time", you tend to do what you can to spice it up.

Zel said, "No. You don't have the legs for it. Some babes were blessed with long, slender legs. You were blessed with short, stubby legs. I don't think you need chaps."

I said, "What about chaps with super high heels?"

He said, "I said no."

My Intenet

My intent today was to go to the grocery store, go to the gym, and come home and clean the house.

I did the first two. Then I came home and took a 2 hour nap.

Zel said, "That's ok. But on Monday, don't work all goddamned day, and make sure you come home and do your slit work."

I'll be sure to hop on that.

Baking Soda

Baking Soda. Useful for everything from baking cookies to neutralizing odors to cleaning grout between tiles.

"I've brushed my teeth with that shit!" said Zel.

"Did you do that when you were a Boy Scout?" I said. "Because the Scouts are always prepared."

He said, "No. But I've brushed my teeth with baking soda. Have you?"

I said, "Nope. I was never a Scout. And, given that we've cleaned grout with that shit, I'm not sure I want to brush my teeth with it."

Zel said...

"...that shit better not break my speakers!" He's talking about the fact that Depeche Mode is now on the computer.

NEWS: Singer Boy George Arrested on Drug Charge

This is my first news post. I'm not sure how many of these I'll do. Don't worry, Evie, I'm not turning this into the Fall of Humanity.

Singer Boy George has been arrested in NYC on a drug charge.

Really, I just couldn't resist making a comment about this. I'm not concerned about his drug charge. I'm concerned about his appearance! Sweet Jesus!


I mean, WHO DOES THIS?!?!?!

WHO DRESSES LIKE THIS!?!?!

Who dresses like this, hits the streets of NYC and DOESN'T think he's going to get arrested for SOME goddamned thing?!!?

I wonder if his parents are proud of him?

Sweet Junior Diva.

Burning Money

I really enjoy having candles in our home. Especially during the fall and winter months; they add light and a sense of warmth...a little ambiance, perhaps.

We don't have a plethora of candles in our home. Just a few here and there.

We're not the type of couple who has to make love with lots of candles; or even one candle.

The reason is quite simple, really. Zel said, "Burning candles is just like burning money."

"New and Improved"

Why is it, that when we use a different lotion on our faces, or the brand of face cream decides to "new and improve" the lotion we've been dedicated to 10 years, our faces break out?

And who decided to "new and improve" the current lotion? The lotion I've been using works just fine, thank you. That's why I've beenusing it religiously.

The same thing happens with face wash. And make-up.

My mom said that the reason your face breaks out when you switch face lotion or face wash or make-up, whether by choice or by force, is because your face is going through a cleansing period. Your face needs to get used to the new product. She would know. She's a licensed cosmotologist.

SOLITICING ADVICE: What do you get for your brother who's about to turn 21?

My Little Brother is turning 21 in 2 weeks.

The question is: what do you get for a 21-year-old?

He's a junior at the University of Arizona, majoring in Creative Writing.

He's traveled all over the States; been to Mexico several times; Italy, Ireland, France, England, New Zealand, and Australia. I'm sure I'm missing a couple of countries.

The last time I saw him was for his high school graduation. (He's the kid on the left. The kid on the right is his good friend, who currently lives in Japan. My Little Brother hasn't been to Japan yet, but it's on his travel list.)

The last time I spoke with him was nearly 3 months ago. He was headed off on a trip to the South Pacific (Note: the image below was taken on the NZ/Aussie trip, not in the Pacific Northwest. He hasn't been up here yet, either, but we're moving up on his travel list. And, I have absolutely no idea what "All Blacks" is. We're 12 years apart. Am I that out of touch with the generation after mine?)

We talked about a conclusion he made: He'll graduate in two years with a BA in CW, but he'll most likely have to continue waiting tables because, afterall, what the hell do you do with a BA in CW?

He talked to Zel and I about graduate school and what we thought before he pitched the idea to The Parents. He figured we were the people to talk to about grad school because we both have our Master's. Mine is in Education with an emphasis in Health Promotion; Zel's is in Mathematics. (I frequently hear things, which can include, but are not limited to: "Education degrees are for pussies!" and "Call me Master, woman!" and "Science degrees, like one in Mathematics, isn't a touch-feely degree, like one in Education!", and "Well, I suppose you're alright, because your Bachelor's is one in Science!" Sweet Junior Diva, you know?)

But, in typical Amelia style, I digress.

So, My Little Brother is planning to apply to grad school. He's thinking he'd like to teach English and/or Creative Writing at a community college. And, since he'll have three months off during the summer, he'll be able to work on screenplays and other things creative writers work on.

We asked him why he wanted to get his Master's. He's intrigued by the autonomy, the ability to meet different people, to get paid to think. He said, "I'll be a considered a Master of my subject, you know what I'm sayin'?"

I know what he's sayin'.

So, I'm currently soliciting your advice!!

What do you get for your brother who's about to turn 21?

For the past several years, I've baked him chocolate chip cookies. For Christmas last year, I made him a quilt. It was supposed to be his birthday gift, but I was working on a couple of different quilts, and it turned into a Christmas gift instead.

Any and all ideas are welcome! (Except another quilt. I'm a bit strapped for time!)

Ideas need to actually be submitted no later than Friday, 10/7. This way, I'll have a few days to get the gift and ship it down to the desert!

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration of my request.

Love,
Amelia
xxoo