Well, my friend, Lee, who is a techie girl and loves all things Apple, I hate to break this to you. But the Empire is selling the iPhone.
But, bigger picture, why do my last two posts link to the Empire?
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Wanda and the lettuce spinner
Today, Toddler Kaos wanted to play with the lettuce spinner. Fine. He's sick. I'm the mom who believes that when the child is sick, pretty much all rules (except hitting, kicking and moving the dining room furniture) are thrown out the window.
Besides, the lettuce spinner has been around for nearly 10 years. Time to get a new one is coming. Sooner if the spinner conveniently breaks under the watch of Toddler Kaos.
So, we put all sorts of things in the spinner, including his new Spud Buds (no, I didn't pay that much for it. I patronize the Empire.) We also put in the new flashlight that he received for Christmas and then spun the spinner--it was like having a disco in the living room. For a two-year-old. We also put Wanda the Witch in there. Don't worry, she's stuffed.
Toddler Kaos had enough of the salad spinner about 5 hours after we took it out. Daddy put it in the sink, because it was the best hiding place at the time. That was about 12 noon.
I just found Wanda in the spinner...after nearly 10 hours. Sorry Wanda.
Besides, the lettuce spinner has been around for nearly 10 years. Time to get a new one is coming. Sooner if the spinner conveniently breaks under the watch of Toddler Kaos.
So, we put all sorts of things in the spinner, including his new Spud Buds (no, I didn't pay that much for it. I patronize the Empire.) We also put in the new flashlight that he received for Christmas and then spun the spinner--it was like having a disco in the living room. For a two-year-old. We also put Wanda the Witch in there. Don't worry, she's stuffed.
Toddler Kaos had enough of the salad spinner about 5 hours after we took it out. Daddy put it in the sink, because it was the best hiding place at the time. That was about 12 noon.
I just found Wanda in the spinner...after nearly 10 hours. Sorry Wanda.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
DUH!
For years, I've been saying Celine can't sing. I'm glad someone finally agrees with me. And, don't forget to add Mariah Carey to the list. She and Celine are the only ones who understand each other because they talk dolphin-speak.
It's kinda like Bob Dylan, Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen. They are the only three dudes on the planet that can understand what the other one is saying.
It's kinda like Bob Dylan, Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen. They are the only three dudes on the planet that can understand what the other one is saying.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
No really, stop fucking
I've never seen an episode. I originally learned about the reality show "17 Kids and Counting" from my favorite show, "The Soup" on E!
Mind you, we don't watch a lot of television and are baffled by our friends who have 2-year-olds that can sit through an entire 90 minute movie; but I digress...that's a post for another time.
Anyway, on the one hand, congratulations to the family for
And, the dad's name is Jim Bob, so do I even need to say anything else?
Mind you, we don't watch a lot of television and are baffled by our friends who have 2-year-olds that can sit through an entire 90 minute movie; but I digress...that's a post for another time.
Anyway, on the one hand, congratulations to the family for
- giving birth to a healthy baby
- having a healthy mom
- picking out name #18 that starts with the letter J. And, no, they didn't repeat any names.
And, the dad's name is Jim Bob, so do I even need to say anything else?
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Christmas Letters
Tis the season! We just received our first Christmas Letter from a friend of ours. It was a 2-page, size 2 font. Not kidding. We needed a magnifying lens just to read it.
There are three people in her family. Two pages. Two point font. Sweet Jesus. And, keep in mind, my friend is a hippie and wants to reduce the carbon footprint. Never mind that she probably used a half a ream of paper to mail her letter, photo booklet (I'm not kidding) and envelopes.
My son isn't much of a napper, so a lot of things have been cut out of life:
Quilting: which I still manage to find time to do. But only in like 5 minute spurts.
Cleaning: I vacuum when I get around to it. Zel empties the dishwasher, I load it. I wipe down the bathrooms with Clorox wipes when I can. I love those Clorox wipes!
Blogging: C'mon! My last entry was nearly 6 months ago. Honestly. I don't get to pee too much during the day, let alone blog!
I thought about doing a Christmas Letter. But it would be a Holiday Letter, so that way I'd be covering both the Jews and the Christian denominations in our families and our Atheist friends.
But, I don't have time for that shit. And, let's face it, letters aren't personal. I'd much rather take a few minutes to hand write out a card to our friends and family and then I can personalize, to a certain extent, each card. Not that I have much time for that either.
Anyway, just my 2 cents on Christmas Letters.
And, just to save everyone some time: Happy Effing Holidays!!
There are three people in her family. Two pages. Two point font. Sweet Jesus. And, keep in mind, my friend is a hippie and wants to reduce the carbon footprint. Never mind that she probably used a half a ream of paper to mail her letter, photo booklet (I'm not kidding) and envelopes.
My son isn't much of a napper, so a lot of things have been cut out of life:
Quilting: which I still manage to find time to do. But only in like 5 minute spurts.
Cleaning: I vacuum when I get around to it. Zel empties the dishwasher, I load it. I wipe down the bathrooms with Clorox wipes when I can. I love those Clorox wipes!
Blogging: C'mon! My last entry was nearly 6 months ago. Honestly. I don't get to pee too much during the day, let alone blog!
I thought about doing a Christmas Letter. But it would be a Holiday Letter, so that way I'd be covering both the Jews and the Christian denominations in our families and our Atheist friends.
But, I don't have time for that shit. And, let's face it, letters aren't personal. I'd much rather take a few minutes to hand write out a card to our friends and family and then I can personalize, to a certain extent, each card. Not that I have much time for that either.
Anyway, just my 2 cents on Christmas Letters.
And, just to save everyone some time: Happy Effing Holidays!!
Monday, June 30, 2008
How to find me
Someone just found me by googling "nursing bra fuck".
Serious. You guys.
From Germany.
Remember that post? If you don't, or even if you do, check it out.
Love it!!!
Serious. You guys.
From Germany.
Remember that post? If you don't, or even if you do, check it out.
Love it!!!
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Seems a little wrong
Seems a little wrong
We recently purchased new cell phones. We now have the capability to text message. Yes, my last cell phone was produced in the last millennium.
Anyway, with our new cell phones, we received two $50 rebates, and we were quite excited to be getting $100 in the mail. We had big plans to put it in the bank because we don't like to hemorrhage money.
The rebates arrived last week in the form of a credit card.
You heard me.
A credit card.
Not a debit card.
Not a check.
A credit card.
In fact, it was two credit cards. Purchase two phones, get two rebates, in the form of CREDIT CARDS.
The credit card expires in September 2008. So, while I have my $100, my cell phone company is controlling the purse strings. In other words, the cell phone company is saying, “Here's you're money, but we're not giving you the ability to totally control your money because you're totally irresponsible. And, if you go over the $50 per card limit, we'll add that balance on to your next phone bill.”
What a bunch of bitches.
We considered purchasing a new wagon for Toddler Kaos. But we're not going to be able to split the cost between the two credit cards.
We're going to spend it on gas for our vehicles.
We recently purchased new cell phones. We now have the capability to text message. Yes, my last cell phone was produced in the last millennium.
Anyway, with our new cell phones, we received two $50 rebates, and we were quite excited to be getting $100 in the mail. We had big plans to put it in the bank because we don't like to hemorrhage money.
The rebates arrived last week in the form of a credit card.
You heard me.
A credit card.
Not a debit card.
Not a check.
A credit card.
In fact, it was two credit cards. Purchase two phones, get two rebates, in the form of CREDIT CARDS.
The credit card expires in September 2008. So, while I have my $100, my cell phone company is controlling the purse strings. In other words, the cell phone company is saying, “Here's you're money, but we're not giving you the ability to totally control your money because you're totally irresponsible. And, if you go over the $50 per card limit, we'll add that balance on to your next phone bill.”
What a bunch of bitches.
We considered purchasing a new wagon for Toddler Kaos. But we're not going to be able to split the cost between the two credit cards.
We're going to spend it on gas for our vehicles.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
mmm...no
I just received this magazine offer in the mail for a magazine called Cookie. Their tag line is "The new magazine for the woman within the mother." Honestly. Who in the goddamn comes up with that shit?
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Movie Review--How She Move
I'm not seeing this movie, but I'm reviewing it.
How She Move WARNING: Longest trailer E-V-E-R!!!
I no see this. They no speak English good.
How She Move WARNING: Longest trailer E-V-E-R!!!
I no see this. They no speak English good.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Movie Review
I'm not seeing this movie, but I'm reviewing it.
Love in the Time of Cholera
Cholera is a bacterial disease that causes diarrhea. Massive diarrhea. And vomiting. And leg cramps.
If I'm feeling that way, I'm not up to loving you or anyone.
In 100 years, is Hollywood going to make “Love in the Time of HIV”? I'm just saying.
Love in the Time of Cholera
Cholera is a bacterial disease that causes diarrhea. Massive diarrhea. And vomiting. And leg cramps.
If I'm feeling that way, I'm not up to loving you or anyone.
In 100 years, is Hollywood going to make “Love in the Time of HIV”? I'm just saying.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Brilliant, Bitches
Go ahead. Call me “Brilliant”, Bitches.
I just used LYSOL wipes to mop my floor. I took four wipes, two under each foot, and slid around my entryway, kitchen, and dining room floors.
I wore my really old Birks, the ones Toddler Kaos puked on a couple of weeks ago, so getting some LYSOL on them wasn't a biggie. In fact, it probably helped to clean my shoes, you guys.
I changed the LYSOL wipes every so often, like when they got dirty. And my floor was pretty goddamned dirty, because I'm not a mopper.
It's not that I don't own a mop. I do. But I smurfing hate to mop. I'd rather walk through a parking garage in Las Vegas in August wearing pantyhose.
I also got a decent work-out when I skated on the LYSOL wipes. I remembered to engage my abs, so that I wouldn't strain my back. And, I raised my pulse a bit. I'm not sure if that says I was working too hard or that I'm really out of shape.
But, regardless, I now have a clean floor.
Go ahead. Call me “Brilliant”, Bitches.
I just used LYSOL wipes to mop my floor. I took four wipes, two under each foot, and slid around my entryway, kitchen, and dining room floors.
I wore my really old Birks, the ones Toddler Kaos puked on a couple of weeks ago, so getting some LYSOL on them wasn't a biggie. In fact, it probably helped to clean my shoes, you guys.
I changed the LYSOL wipes every so often, like when they got dirty. And my floor was pretty goddamned dirty, because I'm not a mopper.
It's not that I don't own a mop. I do. But I smurfing hate to mop. I'd rather walk through a parking garage in Las Vegas in August wearing pantyhose.
I also got a decent work-out when I skated on the LYSOL wipes. I remembered to engage my abs, so that I wouldn't strain my back. And, I raised my pulse a bit. I'm not sure if that says I was working too hard or that I'm really out of shape.
But, regardless, I now have a clean floor.
Go ahead. Call me “Brilliant”, Bitches.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Comment of the Day, January 9, 2008
So, we're at the doctor's office yesterday. In the waiting room. (I'll spare you the details of why we were there.)
And Toddler Kaos walks over to this lady and starts making eyes at her.
She starts talking to him. And he doesn't reply.
She was a smoker. He's a smart kid and not only does he not talk to strangers, he doesn't talk to women who look 80 but are actually only 50 because they smoke.
And then she said, "Are you a mama's boy?"
And he looked over at us like, "WTF?"
What I think she really meant by her question was, "Are you a pussy?"
Because really, all 16 month old boys are mama's boys. Honestly.
And Toddler Kaos walks over to this lady and starts making eyes at her.
She starts talking to him. And he doesn't reply.
She was a smoker. He's a smart kid and not only does he not talk to strangers, he doesn't talk to women who look 80 but are actually only 50 because they smoke.
And then she said, "Are you a mama's boy?"
And he looked over at us like, "WTF?"
What I think she really meant by her question was, "Are you a pussy?"
Because really, all 16 month old boys are mama's boys. Honestly.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Do Over
If I were to do it over, I’d major in English.
My stripper name would be Polly Sillybic.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Action Heros
E! recently announced the 25 Awesome Action Heroes.
All hail Ripley.
E!, I have to disagree with you naming her #2. She's a bigger, better bad-ass than John McClane. She wiped out ALIENS for Christ's sake. Honestly.
I mean, McClane's good--I give him credit for walking over glass with bare feet. But ALIENS, you guys. Come on!
All hail Ripley.
E!, I have to disagree with you naming her #2. She's a bigger, better bad-ass than John McClane. She wiped out ALIENS for Christ's sake. Honestly.
I mean, McClane's good--I give him credit for walking over glass with bare feet. But ALIENS, you guys. Come on!
Friday, October 05, 2007
Book Club
The group of mom's I hang out with started a Book Club. We just finished "The Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood.
Second time I've read the book--thought it was brilliant.
One of the women in Book Club told me at a previous gathering that she was trying to potty train her 3-year-old daughter. She wasn't having much success. She was making the daughter wear her wet pull-ups on her head as punishment for not going potty in the toilet. I'm not kidding. I can't make this up.
This same woman said she didn't like Handmaid because it didn't have a final conclusion and that when she got to the Historical Notes at the end, she didn't get it.
Second time I've read the book--thought it was brilliant.
One of the women in Book Club told me at a previous gathering that she was trying to potty train her 3-year-old daughter. She wasn't having much success. She was making the daughter wear her wet pull-ups on her head as punishment for not going potty in the toilet. I'm not kidding. I can't make this up.
This same woman said she didn't like Handmaid because it didn't have a final conclusion and that when she got to the Historical Notes at the end, she didn't get it.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Happy Birthday, Baby Kaos!
Baby Kaos turned one on Monday. 
We celebrated by trying halibut, which he didn’t care for. But, it could’ve been because I splashed it with some lime juice, and added a bit of salt and pepper and then threw it on the grill. Since he made quite the face, and refused to eat any more halibut, he had black beans and avocado, with a side of Cheerios.
As Lee would say, he’s circumnavigated the sun one time.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
New Trick
Baby Kaos has a new trick.
He tried mac and cheese today for the first time. No, I didn't use the boxed kind.
I used small shell pasta, and a little butter, and a smidge of 1% milk, and some Kraft American cheese slices...melted it all together...mmm, tasty!
So, Baby Kaos' new trick:
Suck the cheese sauce off the pasta and spit the pasta out!
He's quite the talented one. It's most impressive!
He tried mac and cheese today for the first time. No, I didn't use the boxed kind.
I used small shell pasta, and a little butter, and a smidge of 1% milk, and some Kraft American cheese slices...melted it all together...mmm, tasty!
So, Baby Kaos' new trick:
Suck the cheese sauce off the pasta and spit the pasta out!
He's quite the talented one. It's most impressive!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Just Call Her "Bill"
100-year-old celebrates her birthday by smoking 170,000th cigarette
"Despite the numerous health warnings, Mrs Langley insists she's never suffered because of the habit as she "has never inhaled"."
"Despite the numerous health warnings, Mrs Langley insists she's never suffered because of the habit as she "has never inhaled"."
Sunday, August 26, 2007
New Project
We’re currently working really hard on a new project. Actually, we figure it’s an on-going project, and that it’ll take a while.
Zel and I are working really hard to not curse.
For those of you who know us, you know this is a major fucking challenge. We have mouths like a sailor and a trucker.
The reason we don’t want to curse any more is because of Baby Kaos. We’d really hate for him to be chatting with one of his Grandmothers on the phone and say, “Goddamnit, Grandma!” or “This toy is a piece of shit!” or “My room is a fucking disaster!”
One idea to help us not curse involves money. Usually, when Zel has to pay for something, he sits up and pays attention (no pun intended, but it’s funny all the same). The idea is that for each time we curse, we have to put a quarter in a jar and then whenever we have enough quarters, we’ll put the money into college saving account for Baby Kaos. We’ll probably have a decent amount of money in a couple of days. Honestly.
We tried to substitute other words for curse words. Like, fart or frick = fuck; shoot = shit; darn = damn. But that’s not working because it’s not us. We’re cursers.
Of course, we’re trying to approach the entire project with humor. There are some substitution words that are a bit funny that we’ve started using:
Malarkey. That’s a good word. As in, “That’s a bunch of malarkey, Grandma!”
Baloney. That’s an ok word. “This toy is a piece of baloney!”
But, Pimento Loaf is better, but only because pimento loaf is a nasty nasty thing. “My room is a pimento loafing disaster!”
So far, so good.
But, I think we’re going to go with “smurf”. I’m not smurfing kidding here.
Wish us luck, because we need all the smurfing luck we can get our hands on with this project.
Zel and I are working really hard to not curse.
For those of you who know us, you know this is a major fucking challenge. We have mouths like a sailor and a trucker.
The reason we don’t want to curse any more is because of Baby Kaos. We’d really hate for him to be chatting with one of his Grandmothers on the phone and say, “Goddamnit, Grandma!” or “This toy is a piece of shit!” or “My room is a fucking disaster!”
One idea to help us not curse involves money. Usually, when Zel has to pay for something, he sits up and pays attention (no pun intended, but it’s funny all the same). The idea is that for each time we curse, we have to put a quarter in a jar and then whenever we have enough quarters, we’ll put the money into college saving account for Baby Kaos. We’ll probably have a decent amount of money in a couple of days. Honestly.
We tried to substitute other words for curse words. Like, fart or frick = fuck; shoot = shit; darn = damn. But that’s not working because it’s not us. We’re cursers.
Of course, we’re trying to approach the entire project with humor. There are some substitution words that are a bit funny that we’ve started using:
Malarkey. That’s a good word. As in, “That’s a bunch of malarkey, Grandma!”
Baloney. That’s an ok word. “This toy is a piece of baloney!”
But, Pimento Loaf is better, but only because pimento loaf is a nasty nasty thing. “My room is a pimento loafing disaster!”
So far, so good.
But, I think we’re going to go with “smurf”. I’m not smurfing kidding here.
Wish us luck, because we need all the smurfing luck we can get our hands on with this project.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Disposable Thermometers?
We grew up with mercury thermometers, and we're fine, just fine.
The latest and greatest invention is the digital thermometer. We have four; yes, F-O-U-R digital thermometers.
We have two that can go into a person's ear, which we received for baby shower gifts. We have two that you can use in the mouth, under the arm, or up the A. I purchased these: one for home and one for the diaper bag.
The trouble started Thursday night, when Baby Kaos felt like he was going to spontaneously combust. I grabbed the non-ear thermometer...dead battery. I found non-ear thermometer #2 in the diaper bag...dead battery.
WTF??? I've had these non-ear thermometers less than a year. My son has been sick a total of TWICE in his 11 months of life.
My Mommy-OCD kicked in, and I kept pushing the “On” button on one of the non-ear thermometers. FINALLY, it decided to give me one attempt. I stuck the thermometer under his arm: 103.something. Sweet Jesus. His entire body was hot to the touch, and it was a bit scary.
Although Baby Kaos has never been too fond of the ear thermometer I tried and got a similar reading. And I had to wrastle him down to get it. And, I'm never sure about this thermometer...did I stick it in far enough...did I stick it in too far...I hope I don't hurt him....
We were up for about 2 hours in the middle of the night. Went to the doc's the next day. Ear infection. No wonder he hollered when the ear thermometer went in. Sorry, Baby Kaos.
On Friday afternoon, I went on a mission to find a new battery for the non-ear thermometer. I start calling around. I call the pharmacies: no battery. I call Radio Shack: Special order for $4.99 + Shipping (Huh? I may as well get a new goddamned thermometer!). I call the jewelers: $14.02 with tax, lifetime warranty. If, at any point in my life, the battery dies, they'll replace it for free. That's nice.
Hang on just a second: On the thermometer instructions that I kept, it says, “Battery Life: more than 300 measurements or approximately 2 years if used every other day.” My Mommy-OCD isn't that bad, I don't take Baby Kaos' temp every other day. The company is getting a phone call on Monday.
But, since I can't track down a reasonably priced thermometer battery in my community, are thermometers now disposable?
The latest and greatest invention is the digital thermometer. We have four; yes, F-O-U-R digital thermometers.
We have two that can go into a person's ear, which we received for baby shower gifts. We have two that you can use in the mouth, under the arm, or up the A. I purchased these: one for home and one for the diaper bag.
The trouble started Thursday night, when Baby Kaos felt like he was going to spontaneously combust. I grabbed the non-ear thermometer...dead battery. I found non-ear thermometer #2 in the diaper bag...dead battery.
WTF??? I've had these non-ear thermometers less than a year. My son has been sick a total of TWICE in his 11 months of life.
My Mommy-OCD kicked in, and I kept pushing the “On” button on one of the non-ear thermometers. FINALLY, it decided to give me one attempt. I stuck the thermometer under his arm: 103.something. Sweet Jesus. His entire body was hot to the touch, and it was a bit scary.
Although Baby Kaos has never been too fond of the ear thermometer I tried and got a similar reading. And I had to wrastle him down to get it. And, I'm never sure about this thermometer...did I stick it in far enough...did I stick it in too far...I hope I don't hurt him....
We were up for about 2 hours in the middle of the night. Went to the doc's the next day. Ear infection. No wonder he hollered when the ear thermometer went in. Sorry, Baby Kaos.
On Friday afternoon, I went on a mission to find a new battery for the non-ear thermometer. I start calling around. I call the pharmacies: no battery. I call Radio Shack: Special order for $4.99 + Shipping (Huh? I may as well get a new goddamned thermometer!). I call the jewelers: $14.02 with tax, lifetime warranty. If, at any point in my life, the battery dies, they'll replace it for free. That's nice.
Hang on just a second: On the thermometer instructions that I kept, it says, “Battery Life: more than 300 measurements or approximately 2 years if used every other day.” My Mommy-OCD isn't that bad, I don't take Baby Kaos' temp every other day. The company is getting a phone call on Monday.
But, since I can't track down a reasonably priced thermometer battery in my community, are thermometers now disposable?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
