Amelia Kaos

is sad that we won't be seeing "Terminator: Salvation" in the theater. Today is a good day to see some shit blow up.

Zel said...

...I keep wondering when I'm gonna be that dude. The downside is they're all dressed.

Amelia Kaos

just took the biggest shit ever. My a-hole ripped open. Not cool. And, BabyK(2) was screaming, so I picked him up and nursed him while I was sitting on the toilet taking the biggest shit ever.

Facebook

I've not been posting because I've been Facebooking. It's addictive, but not like crack, yo.

So, in Facebook (FB) they have this question, "What's on your mind?" and a box for you to fill in whatever you want. The other day I talked about my brilliance (I've been craving chocolate chip cookies, so I made a batch, baked ~12 and individually froze the remaining batter. Then, when I want a cookie, I can bake it up fresh. Hence, I'm brilliant!) Yesterday I mentioned that I was tuckered out from watching Toddler Kaos play with two of his friends (yes, simply WATCHING two toddlers and a pre-schooler play is exhausting!).

I'm using my real name on FB, and yes, I know all of my friends. I only have 50. I know people have hundreds, and I call them FB sluts.

I'm starting a new segment here on (NS)O&M called "Not on Facebook" and I will post things such as the following:

Amelia Kaos has not had the opportunity to brush her teeth today and her mouth feels like a bag of assholes.

So, there you have it. The new "Not of Facebook" segment of (NS)O&M. Enjoy!

Another time suck

I started reading "Marley and Me." It's the story about a neurotic dog and his owner.

I read 100 pages.

All I could think was, "Dude, you're way too passive with this dog. Take his ass to boot camp."

I couldn't take it anymore. I had to walk away.

Major waste of time. Don't waste your money.

Sore throat cure

Hmm...I know she was picked for a reason. But close your eyes and just listen. I'm not kidding.

Major waste of time

I'm in a new book club. My old book club fizzled out because people didn't want to read anything heavier than “Mr. Snuffleupagus Goes to the Zoo”. I have no idea if this is a real book, but I think you see my point.

So, my new book club is reading “Under the Tuscan Sun: At Home in Italy” by Frances Maynes. This book is a major waste of time. Major.

This broad and her husband, who both happen to be faculty at two San Francisco area universities when the writing occurs (I later discover that she's at SFSU. Not sure where he teaches, because I don't give that much of a crap.). Anyway, they purchase this home in Tuscany, Italy and it hasn't been inhabited for 30 years, so it's a major fixer-upper. They need to get rid of scorpions and spiders that have invaded the house. Yeah.

This book pissed me off for several reasons:

1. Having so much money to burn that I purchase a second home, 7,000 miles away from my current home, where I can only spend a few months out of the year at.
2. Purchasing a home, regardless of location, that you have to sink a ton of money into in order to have basic things like heat, hot water and a functioning kitchen.
3. Two highly-educated people purchasing a home that requires above mentioned (and lots and lots of other) work and having the work done WHILE THEY ARE IN SAN FRANCISCO. And corresponding with the contractors by FAX. My parents and I never talked about building your own home or major construction projects, but common fucking sense tells me that I need to be present when that shit is going on.
   

At one point in the book, she mentions that she's the department chair—I later read on line that she was in charge of the Creative Writing department, so, really, the entire goddamn book could be a major embellishment, because let's face it, Creative Writers are people who creatively write and they are trained to MAKE SHIT UP. They go to school for years, spend thousands of dollars and they end up taking jobs where they MAKE SHIT UP.

The version I have of this book that I BORROWED (lemme tell you how glad I am that I didn't waste my hard earned money on this piece of shit book) is 310 pages long. I read the first 100 pages, skimmed the second hundred pages, and I'm not sure I'm going to waste my incredibly valuable time reading the last 100 pages. Zel suggested that I read the first and last paragraphs of each of the remaining chapters, and that I should still get the gist of what's going on. While that's a great idea, I'm not sure I want to waste anymore time on this huge piece of crap.

Oh, and Ms. Maynes, I mean no disrespect, but you're really not the brightest bulb. And, how in the fuck did you get a contract to develop your own line of furniture? Honestly.

And, no, I'm not gonna see the movie.

Big Day

I hope the Arizona Cardinals win.

Maybe they're like the Little Engine That Could and are currently chanting "I think I can! I think I can!"

*********************************************************

Update 2/8/09

As you all know, Arizona lost in the last couple of minutes of the game. They did a decent job. My hat is off to them for making it as far as they did and playing a tough team.

Really, Bruce?

OK--so, maybe he's getting old and his brain is a little...fuzzy. But, Bruce, really? I know it's only another greatest hits album. But didn't he just sign a deal with the Empire?

I mean, this is akin to Anakin hanging out with Chancellor Palpatine.

Twins?

I'm not looking at Obama and Bush.

I'm looking at Cheney.




Doesn't he look like the dude in “Raiders of the Lost Ark”? The dude who's face melted off?


Seriously.

The Arizona Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl

Wow.

They did it. The Arizona Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl.

Lemme say that again.

The Arizona Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl.

I've not posted till now because I've been flat on my back trying to absorb the fact that THE ARIZONA CARDINALS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!

It's not that they don't deserve it. (They do.) It's not that they didn't work hard. (They did.) It's not that they don't have my respect. (They do now.)

It's that in the 61 year history of the team, they've always sucked. When they moved to Arizona in 1988, they couldn't beat themselves off in the shower. I lived in Tucson when they moved from St. Louis; everyone was excited we were getting a professional football team. My Dad said, “We're on the map!” Because that large hole in the ground didn't put the State of Arizona on the map prior to the Cardinals' arrival.

They did nearly hand the game to the Eagles. I mean, how do you blow a a 24 – 6 lead? But, I'm not a professional analyst, so I'm not gonna go there.

The question now is, can they stop the Steelers? I hope they do. I'm pulling for them. It's not because they're the underdog. It's because I lived in Arizona 21 years, and I'd like to see the Cardinals win.

The World is Coming to an End

Not in 2012 the way the Mayans predicted.

I'm not kidding.

Did you see the score of the Cardinals/Panthers game?

I mean the CARDINALS are going to the NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.

If they beat either the Eagles or the Giants next week, let's all look for large comets, or pay closer attention to the earthquakes happening in Yellowstone.

Of course, Jesus could be coming, too. But I'll leave that one for The Big Clown to ponder.

*********************************************************
Update 1/11/09
Philly is going to the Desert--Go Cards!

No, I'm not pulling for the end of the world, I'm just pulling for a team who hasn't made it this far before. And, I grew up in Arizona.

And, be proud of me, I didn't say something stupid like, "It's gonna be a bird fight in the Desert!" I'll leave that shit to the professional talking heads!

Not thinking

I bought my 2-year-old a cherry Chapstick. And gave it to him.

I was clearly not thinking.

No, he didn't eat it. But, he does take the lid off with his mouth.

He no longer has a cherry Chapstick. He will not get another one soon.

Not sure how she's gonna take this one

Well, my friend, Lee, who is a techie girl and loves all things Apple, I hate to break this to you. But the Empire is selling the iPhone.

But, bigger picture, why do my last two posts link to the Empire?

Wanda and the lettuce spinner

Today, Toddler Kaos wanted to play with the lettuce spinner. Fine. He's sick. I'm the mom who believes that when the child is sick, pretty much all rules (except hitting, kicking and moving the dining room furniture) are thrown out the window.

Besides, the lettuce spinner has been around for nearly 10 years. Time to get a new one is coming. Sooner if the spinner conveniently breaks under the watch of Toddler Kaos.

So, we put all sorts of things in the spinner, including his new Spud Buds (no, I didn't pay that much for it. I patronize the Empire.) We also put in the new flashlight that he received for Christmas and then spun the spinner--it was like having a disco in the living room. For a two-year-old. We also put Wanda the Witch in there. Don't worry, she's stuffed.

Toddler Kaos had enough of the salad spinner about 5 hours after we took it out. Daddy put it in the sink, because it was the best hiding place at the time. That was about 12 noon.

I just found Wanda in the spinner...after nearly 10 hours. Sorry Wanda.

DUH!

For years, I've been saying Celine can't sing. I'm glad someone finally agrees with me. And, don't forget to add Mariah Carey to the list. She and Celine are the only ones who understand each other because they talk dolphin-speak.

It's kinda like Bob Dylan, Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen. They are the only three dudes on the planet that can understand what the other one is saying.

No really, stop fucking

I've never seen an episode. I originally learned about the reality show "17 Kids and Counting" from my favorite show, "The Soup" on E!

Mind you, we don't watch a lot of television and are baffled by our friends who have 2-year-olds that can sit through an entire 90 minute movie; but I digress...that's a post for another time.

Anyway, on the one hand, congratulations to the family for

1. giving birth to a healthy baby
2. having a healthy mom
   
3. picking out name #18 that starts with the letter J. And, no, they didn't repeat any names.

On the other hand, no really, stop fucking. Please. Or, get fixed. Please.

And, the dad's name is Jim Bob, so do I even need to say anything else?

Christmas Letters

Tis the season! We just received our first Christmas Letter from a friend of ours. It was a 2-page, size 2 font. Not kidding. We needed a magnifying lens just to read it.

There are three people in her family. Two pages. Two point font. Sweet Jesus. And, keep in mind, my friend is a hippie and wants to reduce the carbon footprint. Never mind that she probably used a half a ream of paper to mail her letter, photo booklet (I'm not kidding) and envelopes.

My son isn't much of a napper, so a lot of things have been cut out of life:

Quilting: which I still manage to find time to do. But only in like 5 minute spurts.
Cleaning: I vacuum when I get around to it. Zel empties the dishwasher, I load it. I wipe down the bathrooms with Clorox wipes when I can. I love those Clorox wipes!
Blogging: C'mon! My last entry was nearly 6 months ago. Honestly. I don't get to pee too much during the day, let alone blog!

I thought about doing a Christmas Letter. But it would be a Holiday Letter, so that way I'd be covering both the Jews and the Christian denominations in our families and our Atheist friends.

But, I don't have time for that shit. And, let's face it, letters aren't personal. I'd much rather take a few minutes to hand write out a card to our friends and family and then I can personalize, to a certain extent, each card. Not that I have much time for that either.

Anyway, just my 2 cents on Christmas Letters.

And, just to save everyone some time: Happy Effing Holidays!!

How to find me

Someone just found me by googling "nursing bra fuck".

Serious. You guys.

From Germany.

Remember that post? If you don't, or even if you do, check it out.

Love it!!!

Seems a little wrong

Seems a little wrong

We recently purchased new cell phones. We now have the capability to text message. Yes, my last cell phone was produced in the last millennium.

Anyway, with our new cell phones, we received two $50 rebates, and we were quite excited to be getting $100 in the mail. We had big plans to put it in the bank because we don't like to hemorrhage money.

The rebates arrived last week in the form of a credit card.

You heard me.

A credit card.

Not a debit card.

Not a check.

A credit card.

In fact, it was two credit cards. Purchase two phones, get two rebates, in the form of CREDIT CARDS.

The credit card expires in September 2008. So, while I have my $100, my cell phone company is controlling the purse strings. In other words, the cell phone company is saying, “Here's you're money, but we're not giving you the ability to totally control your money because you're totally irresponsible. And, if you go over the $50 per card limit, we'll add that balance on to your next phone bill.”

What a bunch of bitches.

We considered purchasing a new wagon for Toddler Kaos. But we're not going to be able to split the cost between the two credit cards.

We're going to spend it on gas for our vehicles.