New Book

There’s a new book out where author Steve Ettlinger analyzes the 39 chemicals that are in a Twinkie. The book is called: “Twinkie, Deconstructed: My Journey to Discover How the Ingredients Found in Processed Foods Are Grown, Mined (Yes, Mined), and Manipulated Into What America Eats”.

I’m not a big fan of Twinkies. Never have been, and hopefully, Baby Kaos won’t be either.

However, I have two comments:

1. This book is 304 pages. Let me say that again: Three-hundred and four pages. Apparently there’s some serious shit in a Twinkie. So much shit that a simple 10-page pamphlet wouldn’t do. And books sell--good for you, Ettlinger...I hope you make some money.

2. According to MSNBC and Newsweek, “Ettlinger received no help from Hostess and its parent company, Interstate Brands Corp., despite appealing directly to the Vice President of Cake.” What I’d like to know is, where do I apply for the VP of Cake position?

Live in the Now

I’m so glad the folks at Wimbledon decided to live in the now.

The All England Club bowed to pressure and announced that it would offer equal prize money to women and men at the grasscourt grand slam for the first time at this year's championships.

One Digit Off

Most people have phone numbers that are a digit or so off from some type of business.

When I was a kid, our phone number ended in 0962. The sporting goods store down the street—their phone number ended 0926. One time, mom mother actually got in a fight with someone on the phone about our phone number and the sporting goods’ phone number. The fight involved her getting out the phone book, ordering the other person to get out their phone book, and they each looked up the phone numbers.

There was yelling. And, at the end, my mother was quite pleased with herself.

I’m not kidding. I wish I were. But I’m not kidding. I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to.

Currently, the phone number Zel and I have is one digit off from an automobile wrecker. The second number in our phone number is a 5, while theirs is a 1.

Sometimes, we go weeks without a wrong number call.

Sometimes they ask, “Is this the wrecking company?”

Usually, we’re very polite, and say, “No, you have the wrong number.”

Sometimes, we get called several times in one day. Today was one of those days.

The first call came as I was changing Baby Kaos’ diaper, and I was in the bedroom, and the cordless, which has caller id, gets fuzzy back there, so I didn’t know who was calling and I picked up the phone.

The man on the other end was nice. I can tell this about a person because the nice people apologize after I tell them they have the wrong phone number.

Baby Kaos and I then laid down for a nap.

Then, about an hour later the phone rang. The phone in the bedroom was off, and I was expecting Zel to call, so I picked up.

I said, “No, you have the wrong number” in a bit of a terse manner, didn’t get a response, and so hung up the phone. Not a nice person.

I came out to the living room, and saw that the dude had called twice. Apparently it was the second call that woke me up, because I didn’t hear it ring the first time.

Not only was he not nice, but he was not bright.

Honestly, now, if you misdial, do you look up the number again and make sure you dial very carefully so that you don’t misdial a second time? Or do you just hit the redial button?

Comment of the Day, February 12, 2007

I’m speaking with a colleague of mine on the phone. We’re at the beginning of our conversation; that ice-breaker stuff. The conversation goes like this…

Her: “How’s Baby Kaos doing?”

Me: “He’s great, thanks for asking.”

Her: “How old is he now?”

Me: “Five months.”

Her: “Wow! Time has really flown by. He must be getting bigger all the time.”

Me: “Yep. I just weighed him last week and he’s up to 20 pounds and he’s 26.5 inches long! I get a workout just hauling him around!”

Her: “Wow! He’s huge! Is it normal for a baby his age to be that big?”

Me: “Well, it’s normal for him. But, technically, he’s off the chart for weight, and he’s in the 96th percentile for height, which means he’s just a really big kid.”

Her: “Maybe you should take him to the doctor, you know, because he’s so big.”

Me: “Well, when we were at the doc’s a few weeks ago for Baby Kaos’s four-month check-up, the doc said everything was fine. And the nurses I work with, who have worked with babies as their profession for years, say that he’s a great example of a very well-breastfed baby. So, I’m not really worried about it. But, thanks for the suggestion.”

I’m Sorry

I’m sorry people are fixated with another mysterious death of a celebrity. Why are people obsessed with Anna Nicole Smith? I don’t get it.

Did you hit Drudge Report today? There are 12, count them, TWELVE, links about Anna Nicole. Honestly, Matt; find something good to do with your time.

And, can we please stop comparing her death with Marilyn’s? There are no similarities: Marilyn was murdered by the Kennedys because she knew too much, where Anna Nicole didn’t know much of anything at all.

I’m also sorry that Anna Nicole’s son died back in September. I cannot begin to imagine loosing a child. I hope I never know that feeling.

But, most of all, I’m sorry that there is another baby in the world who will grow up with out her mother.

Yes, Anna Nicole was a bit of a trashy whore. But, kids need their moms. So, I’m sorry little girl, that you won’t know your mom.

I’m sorry that you’ll probably grow up in our celeb-obsessed culture and that your claim to fame is going to be that you’re Anna Nicole’s daughter.

Just don’t pull a Lisa Marie Presley and marry the Michael Jackson of your generation, mkay?

You’da Thunk

You’da thunk they would’ve picked up on the issue that she could flip her lid on the Astronaut Psychological Profile.

Perhaps they need to ask something like, “If you train with another astronaut, and he never ever licks your pussy, would you still turn into a psycho and try and kill another woman he becomes involved with?”

I wonder, during the 900-mile, 14-hour trip, did she once think of how her actions would affect her family? What her kids would think?

Did she think about any of the repercussions when she was purchasing the wig? Or the diapers?

Luis is the only human alive that can vouch that I’ve made it from Flagstaff to Tucson without stopping the car to pee (280 miles; 4 hours). I must say, the idea of wearing diapers on a long road trip is a clever one. I’ll have to consider that for my next road trip, which will not involve attempted murder.

Torn Between Two Lovers, Yet Again

I’m torn between two lovers, yet again.

Colts or Bears? Bears or Colts?

Last year, my decision was between the Seahawks and the Steelers. Because I live in the Pacific Northwest, I rooted for the Seahawks. But, I’ve been a Cowher fan for quite some time, so I wasn’t upset when the Steelers won (except for that bullshit TD by Roethlisberger; and the fact that Heins Ward was voted MVP because there wasn’t anyone else to pick, and he shouldn’t have been the MVP, but I digress).

I’ve been a Chicago Bears fan since they won the Super Bowl in 1985. I was young and easily influenced by Jim McMahon and his sunglasses, The Fridge, Walter Payton…and the Super Bowl Shuffle. Sweet Jesus.

But, I really like the Colts. I like Peyton Manning, even though he’s an ad-slut and promotes about 9 different products. And I like Tony Dungy, I think he’s a good coach. I'd hate to see Peyton go into the Hall of Fame Marino-Style.

I haven’t watched any of the crap leading up to the game, and I’m not even sure who the favorite is.

All I know is I’m torn between two lovers, yet again.